New year's Eve

Yes. I need a new year. because I am breaking up with 2012.

Crazy day today, my parents are coming over to celebrate the new year. I'm cooking mexican food and drinking mango margaritas and crying.

Fun times!

I was so anxious and upset today I had no appetite.

Breakfast: Coffee

Lunch: well, around 3:30 my stomach started rumbling so I ate some cheese.

Snack: (?) mango margarita!

Dinner: Taco salads
taco meat (beef)
taco bowl made from flour tortilla
lettuce, tomato, cheese, sour cream, salsa, guacamole

I was only able to eat half.

1/2 a piece of Angel food cake with whipped cream
Small amount of popcorn
some chocolate
Some chips and guac

Myfitnesspal says around 1500 calories (but I tracked ALL of the taco salad and didn't eat it all)
Protein: 60
Weight: 247

12/30/12

I had a fun fun morning hangin' with my Banded buddies, having coffee :-) We're planning to go do something active and fun together soon too, so I am excited for that.

Breakfast: Coffee at Starbucks

Lunch: Protein Shake - the same peach/banana/strawberry/spinach one with "Greens and whey" protein powder that I had yesterday (The frozen fruit blend is by Dole - I REALLY like it, but it's kind of spendy. I can get like 4-5 shakes out of 1 bag though. The Greens and Whey Protein powder is by Biochem. I actually really like it, but I have to mix it with fruit)

Snack: 8 peanut butter filled pretzels (we were at my parents house. they have dangerous goodies there!!!)

Dinner: Mom made MEATLOAF (I love her meatloaf)
I had about 2 oz of that
small serving of mashed potatoes
small serving of corn
1/2 of a cresent roll with butter (ohhhhh...yummy. but I can only eat a bite)

1/2 chocolate chip cookie

Right now - 1000 calories
Protein: 51

Not sure if I am going to have anything else today. I'm not hungry right now but I always crave popcorn. We're having my parents and Godson (my friends family can't come after all) for New years so I'm cleaning like a busy bee and planning the menu for tomorrow.

12/29/12

Another day after a NICE sleep. This going to bed at a normal time is feeling awesome. I wonder why I never went to be early before?? haha

The babymama picked up my Stepson, and I took my Godson home (both have been visiting for Christmas vacation) and while I love them to PIECES, it's nice to have a day of quiet. Especially listening to them play Laser Tag (it was a gift from Santa Claus, exactly what they asked for, and it's LOUD. but it's fun. I might have played with it) and have Lightsaber duels.

Today we are going to see "Les Miserables"!! I am stoked!!! (and it was awesome!!)

Food today

Breakfast:
Scrambled egg with ham and cheese - I ate most of it
Coffee

Lunch:
Popcorn at the movies - with butter. yikes!

Snack after movies: slice of cheese
1/4 cup of sunflower seeds (and now I am OUT so I am not buying more)
5 raisins

Dinner: Protein Shake
Dole Pre-cut fruit (Peach, Banana, Strawberry)
Spinach
"Greens and Whey" Protein power (Bio-Chem)
Water

Calories: 1500 (dang popcorn)
Protein: 59

Not more food tonight, I get to have water (and I am out of diet coke, except for the cup that was left over from the movies - not buying any more diet coke either)

Tomorrow I get to clean the house since on New Year's Eve we have my Stepson (Insert Shocked face here) and My parents, Godson and maybe my Bestie and her Husband/kids are coming over. We're making Taco Salads, watching Big Bang Theory (Obsessed. I got seasons 3,4 and 5 for Christmas) and playing board games while the kiddles play in the other room. Fun times!

Menu/what I ate 12/28/12

I started off today in a pretty good mood - I actually went to bed before midnight (that never happens) so I got some good sleep in.

My Godson (staying over for Christmas break) wanted cinnamon rolls for breakfast. then I ate one (BAD LALA!)

I'm feeling good, back to work now (at least computer work) and watching Pitch Perfect over and over because it makes me happy.

Breakfast:Cinnamon Roll and Skim Milk (1 cup)
Two cups of coffee with Caramel macchiato creamer

Snack: 1/4 cup sunflower seeds in shell
4 Starburst jellybeans

Lunch: Shrimp with cocktail sauce (I make it - ketchup, horseradish and lemon juice. I don't like pre-made)

Dinner: well, lunch was at 3pm so I didn't eat dinner.

Snack: light butter popcorn and a slice of pepper jack cheese (trying SO hard not to crave this!)

Calories: 1170
Protein: 41
Sugar: 42 (YIKES! working on that)

Starting over.

It's been almost 1 year since I started this journey (in January of 2011 "officially") and I'm only down 36 lbs.

I'm frustrated.

I am almost never hungry, but then the Grumpy Beast (TM) comes out later in the day, and I become what my darling husband calls "Hulk Smash Angry"

I just don't feel like eating most of the time, and when I do, it's not the best choices.

I've tried to stay High protein, but I couldn't tell you the last time I ate a salad or cooked veggies at home. I do get fruit in my protein shakes.

I thought that cutting out Fast food (simply because it gets STUCK) would help me lose weight. NOPE.

I went back to some comfort foods (due to being in pain from I don't know what - numerous trips to the ER and Doc tell me nothing) - such as Popcorn with butter topping, Graham Crackers with butter, and Sunflower seeds. I can eat all of these things without being "hungry" (I have cut out the graham crackers and it's been almost 6 weeks since I've had them)

I am working on cutting out Sunflower seeds next. I can eat them mindlessly at the computer. This is just...bad.

Popcorn is going to be the hardest. I know, Know - just eat AIR POPPED popcorn, right?? Everyone says that. But we all know it, it's gross that way and it gets stuck without the butter or oil.

and I seem have gotten into a weird habit - finding out that popcorn tastes AAMAZING with a nice big slice of Pepper Jack cheese.

Then then is exercise. One of my doctor thinks I have a small hernia in my groin and that's what causing me pain. I think my fallopian tube is blocked and that's why it hurts, but I am not a Dr. and they didn't think so when I suggested it.

So, it hurts. I don't exercise. Repeat.

I just want it to be easy for me. I know it's not easy for everyone else, but it SEEMS that way, you know?

In other news, even though my weight hasn't changed since October, I was wearing a 22-24 pants in Sept, and now I can just about fit in an size 18 pants. What the heck? I can wear XL shirts. I wish the they did measurements at the Doctors office so I can say SEE?? but they don't care.

Menu Today - horrible. I actually ate more today than I usually do

Breakfast/Lunch
Coffee with Caramel Creamer
Omelet made with 2 eggs (I only finished a little more than 1/2 of the omelet though) and 1/2 oz of Pepperjack cheese
2 slices of bacon

Snack -
1 CUP (serving is 1/4 of a cup!!) of Sunflower seeds in shell

Snack - 1 slice of apple pie (Which I didn't really need to eat because I wasn't hungry, but I made an apple pie for Christmas and brought it over to my parents house and nobody ate ANY of it and I was mad. So I said fine, I'LL HAVE SOME!)

I'm already up to around 1400 calories (I usually try to stick in the 1200 range) and I'm not hungry for dinner now that I had two snacks.

meh.

Working on a menu for tomorrow now...

I'm Okay

I have been a bad blogger, but I still don't feel comfortable blogging because of certain nosy, irritating people. I haven't had the time or energy to start a new blog or make this one private.

I do miss blogging - hopefully I can update soon on what's going on here.

Until then - MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Silent

For several days I've felt like I have to be silent.

That I couldn't share things on MY blog, just because someone I know is reading.

You see, this was Bullying Week - and I felt like a adult woman, a former friend was bullying me via Facebook messages.

That's a story (one I'm not sure I'll write about here) for another time though.

I don't have a ton a friends. I've never been the life of the party - but, when I DO make a friend, a GOOD friend, we are usually friends for quite a while. There are only 2 friends in my past that are no longer.

I don't lie to my friends.
I don't make up stories so they will feel sorry for me.
I don't put them down - or their spouse (even when I think their choice of husband is an complete asshole)
I would do anything I could to help them within my power if they need help.
I will always listen.
I will always tell the truth.

However - I don't always THINK before the truth - what I'm feeling - comes out of my mouth.

I had a friend, that I knew since Early elementary school. We were friends even when we lived in different states - letters, phone calls, and online chats. We drove and flew to be with each other. And while we both did things that drove the other absolutely crazy - we could laugh about it.

Once this friend - I'll call her Olive - started having kids (when we were 25) - our relationship changed. She became very "crunchy" (and not a bad thing at all, but she was). She became a very fierce MamaBear.

I loved her kids - they were awesome, and even had a special name they made up just for me (that I loved - I felt like a special Auntie)

Four years ago - Olive asked me to come visit her and teach her about photography. I had started my business a few years before. I didn't have the money to come - so her husband bought me a ticket, and I flew to their state for a 10 day trip to teach her and hang out.

The first 2 days were fun - we ran around and saw things. I played with the kids.
On the 3 rd day - it turned into - oh, watch the baby while I take Kid #1 to school. then I have all of these errands to run. Lather, rinse, repeat. For 5 days. I played with her kids constantly, watched them, fed them snacks and basically acted like a Nanny. We did no photography nor went anywhere. To me, she never played with her kids - just on the computer.

At this time, I was getting mad. I wanted to say to her - what the hell is this? but I couldn't get the words out. I was so frustrated, that I went to the room I was staying in to cry. She came to ask what was wrong/going on - and I said it. Exactly what was on my mind - that she ignores her kids etc etc and I wasn't there to be a babysitter! We had words. It wasn't pretty.

She then tells me I'm kicked out and I have to leave. I have basically 10 min to pack, and get my butt out of there - I have no car, and no where to stay in a city I know nothing about.

(It was a nightmare getting home but not going to write that part out)

When I got home I emailed her and asked if we could work this out - she said no - and her husband wrote to me and said the same thing. I have not tried to contact her or anything since, although I would like to talk to her about it.

Sigh.

So, person who is reading this that I would rather stay out of my business:

I feel harassed. I feel bothered. I feel like I shouldn't have to say to someone - OVER AND OVER again that I do not want to be friends. I do not have to list reasons why - even though I COULD.

 I have no desire to be your friend. I feel lied to and that doesn't sit well with me. Do not contact me, do not message me, do not email me - I am done. I wish you the best but leave me alone - I mean it.

You have plenty of other friends - go lie to them. Even better, tell them that it hurts you if they stay my friend - they can have you.

To everyone else: I do not know the future of this blog and it makes me sad. If you are one of my blog friends and still want to keep up with me, please comment or email me and I'll send you an update. Thank you for reading.

Anonymous

I didn't try to make this blog anonymous. I should have. Now, I know someone who I would PREFER NOT READ THIS BLOG - is reading it and has probably read it all. I didn't take pains to hide it but I didn't cover my tracks as I should have. I was careless. So, that's the reason why I haven't been blogging. I haven't lost any weight anyway. I'm in a bad mood because 500 bazillion of my facebo.ok "friends" are posting little blurbs like this on their walls "The next time someone says

"Oh, you're JUST a stay at home mom" I may punch you in the face. Being a mom, is far more difficult and challenging than any job you could ever have. We don't get breaks or weekends or holidays off. We don't get the luxury of sleeping all through the night or sleeping in. Instead, we get late nights and early mornings. We now have family nights instead of date night. We wipe noses, get puked on, change diapers, try the potty training, do play time, deal with temper tantrums, and as soon as nap time hits ... we turn around scrub the bathrooms, pick up the floor , do the dishes, and work on that never ending pile of laundry. So the next time someone wants to say "you're just a stay at home mom" you are more than welcome to fill my position for a day!!"

 Just a Stay at home Mom? Right. My Mom was a single Mom who worked 60 hours a week to support us(If I was not at school, I was with my Grandma) then came home and DID EVERY FREAKING THING THAT "STAY AT HOME" Mom's do when she got home. She also ran a business (a craft store) with my Aunts and Grandma on the weekends. She did not get the luxury EVER of sleeping in - not because I would get up early (I loved sleep too much as a kid!) because she had to support her family.

 And you know what? I'm just an infertile who would give anything to be a "Stay at home Mom". Difficult and challenging? BRING. IT. ON. I don't currently get weekends off anyway, because I have to WORK. On Holidays I'm still working on the computer, trying to bring in Money to pay our bills. and on Holidays I'm crying inside because I DON'T GET TO BE A STAY AT HOME MOM. Dude. Squeeze those babies, love them, and shut the fuck up that oh wah, you have to change some diapers and wipe some noses and do the THINGS EVERYONE ELSE HAS TO DO ANYWAY WHETHER THEY HAVE KIDS OR NOT. Family night means YOU HAVE A FAMILY. You procreated! YAY!

Tattoo, Cat and Birthday

Well, My Birthday wasn't THAT bad - We had lots of time with my Sister in Law (who was visiting from out of state) - We ate out WAY too much (yum! but of course, I can't eat much). I got a new sewing machine from my parents, DVD's and Gift cards from my hubby, and money from my Father in law. Which I used to buy..this...

 Ha! I wasn't expecting to get a tattoo - I've wanted one for years and years but could not decide on anything. My Sis made the appointment, and last Friday she got SIX (yes, SIX!!!) tattoos, and I got this little dude on my ankle. and of course, it had to mean something to me, and everyone is asking WHAT a pumpkin means to me - so, the list. because I'm weird.

 1. I love Halloween (duh)
2. I got married on Halloween (double duh)
 3. It's a Jack Skellington face from Nightmare before Christmas - which I love! 4. It's a happy face to remind me to be happy
5. The two leaves are for my two babies
6. It's on my right side which is my "pain" side - all of my ovarian cysts are hurty on that side. When I'm in pain, I can look at it and think of something else It really didn't hurt as bad as I thought it would. It felt like a bee sting. I'm no stranger to pain, anyway.

 We also went to a wedding for my husband's cousin - I'm hoping some photos surface of me because I looked cute in my dress!

 and I finally got time to photograph my new kitty - Binx! (although, I call her Binky - poor cat)

Grr

My Fill started working - hurray!

Rest of my life? not hurray.

I'm always in a pissy mood.

I feel like going to some peoples jobs and asking them to do it for free, or give me free product, just because. It sounds FUN!!
(Can you tell that I've had some problems with this recently??)

Tomorrow is my Birthday. A few weeks ago, I had received some money from my parents (which was actually from Christmas, long story) that I was going to use to buy a new lens for my camera (which I need, badly). Bills came up and surprise, surprise, I had to use that money to pay...Child Support.

For the kid that's not mine and that we don't get to see. Right.

I knew what my husband had been planning on getting me for my birthday and was excited for it. We were at the store anyway and he asked if we could just get it then - fine. Then he says he needs more phone minutes (pay as you go phone) because he has to use his cell at work sometimes. Well, wouldn't you know that the phone min were the same price as my gift and I had to tell the cashier to take it off (because I wasn't expecting the expense of the phone card, we didn't have enough money to buy the gift)

sigh.

I hate my birthday.

Ten Things Thursday

1. Dude. I had a fill on Monday, after starving for a month (because I didn't get a fill in August and I didn't lose ANYTHING last month). The nurse would only give me 1/2 a CC. Why? because someone else got a full CC and they had problems with reflux. um. that person is not ME.

2. So guess what? still starvin' marvin. I don't even think they gave me a fill. I think my band is leaky or something.

3. I also have a visitor aka Aunt Flo and TOM or whatever you want to call this evil bitch. I spend the month with ovarian cyst pain, then for 5-6 days I get cramps that make me want to kill someone. Fun times.

4. HANGRY - is my favorite word. It's a combo of Hungry and Angry. Which is how I feel right now.

5. I love love love loooove my job. but people should not book photo sessions or make orders of photographs without paying their INVOICES!!! I call this "Invoice Hell". I get it, it's not payday. But when you are on a payment schedule (I have lay-a-way) and your payment is due on the 5th, you need to pay it on the 5th. because that's MY payday. If everyone who owes me money would pay me, I could pay off every bill I have, right now.

6. Back to food - oh man...I love food. but now I'm hungry (HANGRY!!) but things get stuck. Like...yogurt. strangeness.

7. I have discovered that I CAN eat french fries if I use huge amounts of ketchup. This is not a good thing. It IS a good thing that I prefer french fries dry/plain though, because then I don't each them.

8. My Sister in law is coming to visit! I am excited to see her. She's awesome. I am not excited that I have to clean my house. She might stay here for a day or two. which means I need to come up with a guest room. haha.

9. I am addicted to Peach Green tea from the Gas Station. 80oz of sugar free peachy goodness? YES PLEASE!!

10. The biggest news of this week is...we found a kitten under our car on Monday morning and I guess we're keeping her. We have put up posters and looked for her owner, but no luck. I will post some photos of her later! Her name is Binx!

Pain and Panic

(Does anyone remember these little guys? I have little figures of them somewhere in my piles of hoarded crap)

So. Hi.

Lala is not doing well. Other than I've spent this month STARVING TO DEATH (because I didn't get the stupid fill) - I've just been depressed.

I've received many blessings, but selfish old me can't help thinking - I don't want THIS! I want THAT!!! DUDE!

(Infertility rant beginning)

All of the lovely people are know are BIRTHING! They are AMAZING strong women! YAY for them!!

You see, I cannot count how many people I've heard whine (like myself, that they weren't pregnant yet) who were like...20 years old. Oh please. Give me a freaking break.

I once worked with a girl who got married at 18, and at almost 21 she hadn't gotten pregnant yet, and would sit in the back room at work, SOBBING about it. I tried to be sympathetic, I mean, I wanted children badly myself (at the time, I was 29, and unmarried, no boyfriend) so I would try to console her and be her friend.

After about, oh a year of this, I was done. I said to her - look - you're married to a great guy with a job, and medical insurance, you have a good job and insurance - you're only 21. Go to the Dr and see what's wrong and QUIT YER BITCHIN'!!!!!

(The insurance thing gets me every time, I just can't afford it)

Oh, within..3 months she was pregnant..and she has 3 kids now. The oldest just started first grade.

and I'm here, almost 36. No babies.

Again I feel like I know nothing because I've never given birth or had someone call me "Mom". Friends with kids are hard to hang out with, because it seems no one can hire a babysitter anymore. Friends with kids don't always invite ME places because I have...no kids. I can't do to "Mom's Night Out".

People with no kids? Well, (except for US) have TOO MANY friends already and are too busy to hang out.

I COULD NOT POSSIBLY know anything about newborn babies or kids! I mean - dude, don't you know that if you aren't a Mom yourself, you are SO DUMB!

I'm having panic attacks about everything.

I'm having constant pain from my ovarian cysts and I can't do anything about it. (Dr says, either have a hysterectomy or deal with it. I can't go to the Dr. for pain medication because then they treat you like a druggie.)

(Also mad because someone else I know gave birth this week, and used THE NAME that I've loved since I was 10 years old. I was holding on to it, but whatever. It's like that name is dead to me now and I'm sad. Which is soooo stupid!!! oh well)

Another Progress Pic and BRA RANT!

So, we did a vendor table for my biz at a local mom's group a few weeks ago. This photo of me (and Hubby and Godson) was on FB and I just randomly found it (taken by a stranger!)

Anyway, I noticed the shirt I was wearing. I looked through some old pix on FB of a trip I took to visit a friend in April 2011, and there I was, wearing the same top.

I must have been around 295 there - I'm guessing....

Can you see a difference? (50 lbs?? I weigh 245 now!)



So, anyway, today we happened to be near the outlet mall (we NEVER go there, so it was an OCCASION!) They have a store that sells only bras/undies so I went there to find a sports bra.

I've been hating doing cardio at home because my boobies like to do a little (painful) dance. bleck. I haven't been able to find a sports bra in larger than a size L/XL (which looks like, an extra small) anywhere. I bought bras there in Feb of 11 that I am STILL wearing,they used to be on the last hook/loosest straps, but they are now adjusted as tight as they will go, AND I took in the sides on the sewing machine like an inch on each side. These bras are all 46 D/DD. She measures me today and says I'm...a 50 DDD? WHATTTT???

Seriously...WHHHHATTTT???? How could I be BIGGER???????

and they didn't have any sports bras in that size, anyway. The biggest was a 44 D - which she tried to get me to buy anyway. It had UNDERWIRE. um ow. I don't want to exercise in that!! and they were $40 each. Right. I'm going to pay $40 for a too small, uncomfortable sports bra.

Help? Where can I find one to fit?? I can't afford more than $20 for a bra. Any more than that and it'd better...I don't know...come with a cabana boy?? WAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH

33 lbs? Why...YES! I did it!

So, I have been a bad blogger and totally missing - we went to Disney and stuff and now I'm trying to get my life back together. It's crazy.

BUT - I've lost TEN POUNDS since my last Progress photo and here it is!



I had a difficult time coaching the husby this time on how to take the photo - so I really don't like it (Neither us noticed that my sleeves are all whacked out, oh well.)

and to see the progress (I don't see much though) - here is a composite of today's photo and the one from May



So, my girls seem to have gotten "perkier" - which is cool. I'm wearing the same bra anyway. The jeans are definitely looser in the waist and in the butt (still super tight in the legs/thighs though) The shirt still feels super tight to me.

Yay Lap-band.

(and here is a NSV - I bought my husband Sushi and I had...1 piece. and I was full. The End)

The Search

One of the things I hate is that I can't never (or hardly ever) find clothes to fit me. Forget needing something specific, because I just won't find it. I pretty much find all of my clothes at Walmart and the thrift store (and I HATE IT).

I can't afford to shop online or at Lane Bryant. I hate looking like a slob all of the time because my clothes are ill fitting.

Anyway, I needed a disney themed shirt to wear on our trip - could I find one?

NOPE!

It took a week of looking at every store in town that sells Plus size clothes before I found a shirt at Fashion Bug - and it was about 3 times more than I wanted to spend. (I just found out that Fashion Bug is owned by Lane Bryant. heh)

sigh. I can't wait to go shopping at a regular store. dammit.

Ten things Thursday - The It took me until Friday to finish this edition

1. Still almost regretting getting the band. I've lost 1 lb..in a MONTH. My body obviously doesn't care that I'm eating less. I don't get it. I hiked miles every day while camping (TWICE) and watched my food intake...nada. I'm ticked.

2. My fill is on Monday. I don't eat much now so I don't see how eating LESS is going to help me lose weight. Can you tell I'm frustrated?

3. Our Van died 2 minutes before we went camping. The price to fix it is crazy insane. It makes me feel ill the amount of work I'm going to have to do to pay for it. I wish my husband would find a job (once the car is fixed that is, it's bad enough begging my parents to drive me to my jobs)

4. I am going stir crazy at home. It's like 105. the air quality is bad. and we're not really in walking distance of much. (there is a grocery store with a s.bux in it about a mile away. but in the heat I am way too lazy to walk that mile)

5. not like we can afford to go to the store anyway, or have coffee. We are officially poor, poor, poor.

6. I am so desperate for coffee that I scrounged around in the cupboard until I found a instant coffee packet. As soon as my ice is frozen, I will be enjoying THAT with skim milk and some Torani caramel syrup. I hope it satisfies me!

7. and now it's friday! oh well. Anyway, we spent the day making my parents drive us around, my cat had a appointment at the vet to be spayed (finally!!) at the crack of dawn. She's home now and doing great!

8. We also had to go to the courthouse to file some papers on "something". I will update more about it later, I just don't feel comfy posting about it yet. but it's a VERY good thing, should it work out.

9. NINE days until we leave on Vacation! I'm on a quest! A Quest for FUN! A quest to see...a rodent. "Rodent" is our family code word for anything Mickey or Dis.ney, of course. I am so stoked.

10. Before we got poor, I ordered Disney pins from eB.ay so the Godson and I could try out Disney pin trading. Has anyone done that before???

Stupid

We've been away camping. It was a mix of "omg this is soooo much fun" and "dude, I am never doing this again" that I will write about later.

While we were camping (at a State Park, with a lake) - we went fishing twice. I love to go fishing, but in the like, 14 years that I've lived here, I've only caught 1 fish. We still go, anyway, every year.

Anyway, there was a family with 2 kids fishing at the same time we did. They were taking up the entire dock and bridge with all of their STUFF and were catching fish after fish. We were catching nothing.

We wandered over to them (just me and Godson D) and asked if we could fish off the bridge with them.

After about 20 minutes, I did a cast and I messed up - I didn't cast the fishing rod correctly, and my line and hook got caught on the bridge.

Immediately after, the little boy in the other family (maybe 8-9 years old) says "That's the STUPIDEST THING I've ever seen...ANYONE DO!" (laughing and pointing)

At first, I didn't realize he was talking about me. I turned and asked - was that about me? about my mistake?

Yes.

I grabbed my stuff, took D's hand and went back to our family. I put my head down on the picnic table and cried.

I cried over what a stranger, a kid said to me.

It was like I was 8 years old again, and someone at school or on the playground was teasing or taunting me. I am sensitive. I am a crier. and I'm pretty sure making me cry was a playground activity like Handball.

Why did it bother me do much? I'm still working on that.

Ignore this rant (if you want)

I'm having a hard time today.

I'm so so so thrilled for my friend and her new baby (I got to see him last night! and hold him!)

but

All day long I've had this pain in my heart. and a weight on my shoulders.

Yesterday I brought snacks and soda and baby presents to my friend.

Today I had signed up to bring a meal to one of my clients who just had a baby (She belongs to the playgroup that I take portraits for and they had a sign up website for the "new baby" meals)

Both of these lovely, awesome, sweet, amazing ladies (Mothers!) have 4 children now.

Both are younger than me.

One, I know has lost several babies. I've been with her through most (some happened before I met her)

I have no idea about the other lady - if she had any struggles getting pregnant (and it's not my business)

but I spend so much of my time wondering what it's like.

If I'll ever have that.

All I want is 1. One Kid. I won't be greedy (not saying people with more than 1 are, of course, but I am pretty sure I would be satisfied with 1 of my own)

I can't join "Mom" groups (as you have to bring your kids to the playdates, and I never EVER have my stepson on the dates they meet)

It's like when I was in High School (ha! even now) I would sit somewhere, or lie down and wonder what it was like to be pretty.

It sounded pretty freaking awesome to me.

I have a friend from HS that was very pretty, and she had done some modeling. (She is awesome, and a great friend too!)

Once she complained about getting attention for her looks.

Complaints?

about being PRETTY?

Seriously?

Of course, I have no idea what it's like.

Just like people who have kids. Who have had no trouble having them.

How can they know what it's like for me?

So, now I dwell on TWO things : Unpretty and Barren (and fat. but working on that. I can't fix the other two)

Ten Things Thursday - The YIPPEE Editon

1. MY FRIEND HAD HER BABY! (not many people I know in RL read this, so I can't post on her FB or anything, but I got THE TEXT!) I have been dancing around for like 45 minutes - I am SO happy for them. I know the sex/stats but not the name yet. It's driving me crazzzzy not to know the name.

2. My camera and flash batteries are all charging for when I get the CALL to come see New Baby Sweetness. I always take pix of them with baby in the hospital. and I need baby snuggles. Bad.

3. and in a little bit - I GET TO GO SHOPPING! I hadn't bought her any actual baby stuff yet because I didn't know the sex of the baby, but now, I get to go crazy. that's right. Baby stuff CRAZY!

4. and food crazy. because yesterday the hungries came back. My fill is on July 3rd. and I need it. gah.

5. A quick list of foods and if they "go down"

Muffins - nope. ow.

Snack Mix (Gardettos, Chex Mix) - NOPE.

Spinach - One day it goes down in a salad, the next day, it chokes me. Fickle Spinach. Sauteed Spinach went down fine.

Doritos - Nope

Orange Chicken - nope

Pringles - yep (we were CAMPING!)

Panini Sandwich - Yep. it was really crunchy. I had 1/4 of a sandwich

Cheese - YEP.

Shrimp - YEP (I love shrimp. dude)

Mongolian BBQ - yep! just meat and veggies, no noodles

6. dude, it's been like 5 hours since I started this list and I still don't know how my friend and her baby are. but I can't bug them. gaaaahhhh. I want to bring presents!!

7. We're heading out to buy some more baby prezzies in a few (yeah!) and then I have to buy something for my cousin's bridal shower...

8. I totally have selfish-ness issues with bridal/baby showers (the only peole who came to my bridal shower were my bridesmaids and immediate family - none of my friends came). I have been to endless bridal showers and baby showers and bachlorette parties and bought gifts for them for like last like, 21 years. By the time I have a baby I'd better get so much stuff I won't be able to stand it, seriously.(I also feel this way about kid's bday gifts/christmas gifts because I've been buying them for so long, and I've had no kids. Finally, LAST YEAR, my family bought my step-son some Christmas gifts, when we was SIX - we got married while he was still a baby! gah. It just bugs me. I already know I'm selfish. haha.

9. We just got back from 3 stores looking for baby gifts. I did venture into Babies R Us and had a HUGE panic attack :-( gaaaah. I used to have a boyfriend who knew how much I wanted kids, and every time we would drive by it he would make a joke about going inside and picking out a baby. MEN.

10. Gifts are purchased (with gift receipts, lest she not like the stuff) and I need to wrap them. I also picked up some drinks and snacks for her and her hubby. I've heard from her hubby but it doesn't look like I will be able to visit tonight :-( maybe tomorrow. (waaaaaaaaaahhhh!!!!!!! unless she calls in the next 30 minutes. haha)

Regret?

I'm mad.

I'm mad that I'm doing everything I'm supposed to, and I'm not losing weight.

I've lost ONE POUND since my fill.

I eat 1000-1200 calories a day (and I can't force in much more than that)

I exercise daily (geez, we just went on a camping trip where I hiked/walked for hours every day, plus swimming and pulling a kid around in a kayak for hours). When we're home, we walk or do wii dancing or wii fit.

I eat all of my protein. I don't eat junk. I don't eat fast food.

Yesterday I got fed up with being good, and we went to the movies where I snarfed extremely buttery popcorn and 1/2 of a hershey bar.

and this morning, a .5 lb loss after weeks of nothing.

SERIOUSLY???!!!! gah.

Brain Snacks

I worked a lot today (two photography sessions - about 5 hours of that - crawling around, jumping around, bending, moving, carrying things) - plus prep and computer work (add in about 8-10 more hours in the day for that)

I'm pooped out.

My habit in the past after a day like this was to grab a book or the iPad, hop in the car, head to the drive-thru and buy myself a Big Mac, Fries and Diet Coke.

I would then park somewhere private, eat and read for a while (and hour or two). This practice always relaxed and refreshed me (it seemed)

Today, as soon as my clients left - I started wishing I could go do that and get away for an hour or two (I can't because 1- my hubby has the car and 2- duh, I can't eat that).

I still felt that would relax me, full knowing it's impossible.

sigh.

I'm having a little trouble with food. The only thing that goes down without chest pain is a laughing cow cheese and some wheat thins (or string cheese) . Everything else makes me hurt (I haven't slimed or pb'd today - but then I haven't tried much) - Eggs, bananas, chicken. I do have mashed potatoes but they are just full of calories and fatty (a mix). I am dying for a salad or some spinach but I don't know if they will go down okay.

double sigh. Well, back to work! :-)

I feel weak, but not hungry (except for things that are impossible).

Ten things Thursday -The Slimer Edition

1. We went to the local Waterpark today (I won tickets in a photo contest, and good thing because the tickets are $30 a person) - Me, Hubsy, Godson D, Stepson and Stepson's Mom!

2. My bathing suit I bought at a thrift store (not my other new one that fits weird) is a size 20 and it fit awesome! It was super cute too, I looked hot. No pix though, because no one ever takes pix of me (I had the camera)

3. We had lunch there, and I looked at every food stand they had, and nothing sounded bandster friendly AT ALL - I mean, a smoothie would have been awesome, but nope. Just ice cream. The Orange chicken looked good, and my husby said he'd share it with me (he had pizza too, hog)

4. Note to self - don't eat "popcorn" chicken, because that's what it was - with orange sauce. 3 of those delish morsels made it into me (and chewed chewed chewed) but...oh no.

5. I had a fun fun FUN episode where I had to RUN to the nearest bathroom (grabbing a handful of napkins on the way - napkins are my friend today) where I didn't barf, just had pain, and burped and slimed and omg IT SUCKED.

6. The rest of the day was uncventful, just more swimmin' and sunning, it's a super fun place but dude, I'm glad I didn't have to pay to get in! I did NOT go down any waterslides - the weight limit was 250. gah.

7. By the end of the day, I wanted something to eat so I broke down and bought myself an ice cream (yay Dippin' Dots!) but the kids ate most of it.

I still feel kind of guilty for eating ice cream (slider!)

8. Now we're home and the kids are in the bath (and they don't want to get out - you'd think they'd be tired of the water - huh?

Okay, it's 8 things Thursday for now - more later!

Adventures of Filled Lala

It's oh so weird for me. I'm not hungry. The opposite of hungry.

I haven't been getting upset that people are eating things around me that I can't have (and I made my Godson's their requests for lunch today - Mac n cheese and a Peanut butter sammich. I smelled both, and that was good for me. I'm a food smeller)

My brain though says "Hey, Lala...there are cheese sticks in the fridge! or you could make some popcorn with the movie."

I don't really want any cheese. or popcorn, I'm not hungry and right now have just been making sure I get my protein in. I'm kind of sticking to mushies today because of the fill on Monday, but tomorrow I will go back to "normal" food.

and I'm craving salad, which I have not tried to eat since getting the band. I don't think I've ever craved salad in my entire life.

FILLED!

So, it went okay. I had to wait like 45 minutes in the little room for the surgeon (and I was not happy. at least I brought the iPad and had 45 min to read and play Angry Birds Space and fool around on Facebook...)

They didn't have me fill anything out, just asked about exercise and what I can eat - if I've had anything stuck, etc (and NO because I hate barfing so I don't eat things that are "known" to get stuck). I told them I was always hungry between meals/no restriction.

I had to lie down with a pillow under my back and raise my head and shoulders up like doing a crunch. The first time, he missed and hit the side of my port with the needle - OMG it hurt so bad I thought I was going to pass out. Then he tried again and I didn't feel anything at all. I now have 6 cc's in a (large) 14 cc band!

I'll say - I certainly DO NOT want any food right now - at all. I'm on liquids for 2 days and that's just fine with me! :-)

ETA: So it's been a few hours and I totally feel like crapola. My stomach is growling and rumbling like you wouldn't believe (or maybe some of you would, ha ha) - we went to the store and it growled and some lady kept giving me nasty looks! I'm not "hungry" but I feel so so weak, like I can barely move. Yucky :-(

Cannot wait for that FILL!!

(Complete Random Post that I've been working on for 3 days...gah)

Holy geez I am an eating machine. I'm eating "healthy" and getting my protein in, but dude. I want something to eat every hour. I never have restriction or feel full. I need a nice HUGE fill.

It's summer. I bought a new bathing suit! but it's still a little tight and it's a 3 x *insert grumpy face here* It fits fine in the waist/hips/butt, but the chest area is too tight. I didn't try it on at the store before buying it because I was afraid of getting stuck in it in the dressing room!

The reason for the new Bathing suit (which is hot pink and black, of course) is CAMPING! We're going camping in 10 days! I am so stoked. I love to go camping. We'll be driving up in my parents motorhome (which them of course, and my Godsons) and the best news of all - we get to take my Stepson! Yippee! We've never gotten to take him anywhere overnight, and he's never been camping.

I'm bummed today because I have a photography event that I do every year (little girls dressed as Fairies) and it's been pouring rain and I had to reschedule it. So I got everything read to go, and packed it up in our van (we do the portraits at the park) and then...let down. sigh. If anyone wants to see what they look like (last years) - comment with your email and I'll send you the website :-)

and in other news, I'm heartbroken because I lost my purse. I left it at the last showing of a small, family run movie theater and we were the LAST PEOPLE to leave. They say they didn't find it. That means to me that whoever cleaned the theater stole it. Did I mention I only own 1 purse? sigh. At least my wallet was in the car!

Who? Lala?

I'm still around, really - with work, and having my Godson decide he "wants to live here this summer" (his 12 year old brother has Autism, and some other problems, and he tends to torment his little brother - it's better he stays with us most of the time). We also have my Stepson more and more since his Mom moved nearby (YES!)

My Bestie is about to have her baby so I've been "Labor-Sitting" her when she needs to go somewhere - either we take her to the store, or she picks me up and I help her with the kids in the store (She has SIX kids. and 9 months Preggo. She is my Hero.) She has a 8 month old foster daughter that I love to squeeze and love on :-) We call it Labor sitting of course, in case her water breaks. All of her births have been like, 1.5 hours after her water breaks, or something, so it's best she's not alone.

I've also been working a TON (which is good), being domestic -sewing, cleaning, organizing, decorating are my new hobbies as I can't eat.

I'm also working on my crafty blog - it's here if you're interested! (only a few posts so far)

I have lost 26 lbs now! yippee! I get my fill on Monday. I NEED IT! Because really, everything goes down. I get full super fast, but I do feel hungry. Nothing has gotten stuck at all. Tonight the kids and my husband are having Pizza Rolls and I don't even want any, I'm going to have a yummo Banana Peanut Butter Super Protein Shake!

WTF Wednesday

It’s time for WTF Wednesday where we list anything and everything that makes us want to scream WTF!! Copy the badge above and paste to your own blog if you want to join in the fun!

- My day? UGGGGG!

- I usually love love love my job, but yesterday I had a new client lie to my face (and on the contract too). I was livid for the rest of the day. In this day and age, with google and Fa.cebook and crap - do not LIE TO ME! I will find out!!!

- and today I am in a client conflict that is partly my fault that will require a refund that I can't do. As I used the income to pay bills. I feel like barfing.

- Today I went to make myself a cup of coffee. My husband put all of my favorite Eeyore coffee cups on the highest shelf (I'm 5 foot 3!) I reached for one, dropped it, tried to catch it, then slammed it into my wrist, then dropped it on my foot. then I stood up and whacked my head on the still open cupboard. It still hurts like an effer.

- Everyone is pregnant AGAIN. My best friend is pg with her FOURTH (she's due in like 2 weeks). Two of my regular clients are due in the next month (one with her 2nd and one with her 4th!). Three more of my friends told me they were pg within the last week (no first babies for anyone, all 2nd, 3rd, 4th). People who WERE NOT TRYING.
sigh. Last in Line Lala. Getting tattooed on my forehead.

- My cat keeps pooping in the middle of the kitchen floor. WHY???!!!

- I miss my DVD player, but I can't buy a new one. wah.

- wishing I had something of value to sell in a yard sale this weekend so I can raise some cash, but all I have is CRAP!

- Seriously keep seeing people on MFP that lost 30 plus lbs in the first 6 weeks after lap-band surgery. WHY NOT ME!!!!!!!!! I'm not losing ANYTHING. I don't get it. I exercise. I get my protein in. I stay in my calories. WHAAT THE EFFFF!!!!

News Flash: LALA NEEDS A FILL!!

Oh no! The hungries are here. I don't like the hungries. It's dinner time. I know by how I feel (antsy, crabby, grumbly, weak) that I am hungry. I'm all bitchy and pissy today too, because of the hungries.

Before my band, when I was hungry, I would turn into a total crab and nag at my husband that I was hungry and that I was weak and that I needed food NOW (usually fast food) and I didn't feel like cooking, but NOTHING sounded good and I would get all whiny and anxious.

It really sucked.

I don't like that person.

She came back today. My poor husband keeps trying to be nice and suggest things, but everything has bread (which I have tried, a few bites of crunchy garlic toast). or pasta. or rice. all of which I know he loves, but I am really trying to avoid, even if I can get them down (I don't want to do it that way!!!)

ARRGGHHHH!!!!

Bring your own Crazy!

BYOC is 5 little questions we answer to get to know each other better and to give our blogging brains a break! Come join us & enjoy!!

1. Tell me about your first childhood home that you remember.

We lived in Southern California - I lived in the same house from birth to 14 years old..man, I loved that house!1 story, 3 bedrooms. I am an only child so I had my own room - the room next to mine was the "spare room"/office/guest room. We had a inground pool with a waterslide and diving board...I miss my pool! We also had a huge yard with orange trees and I had a playhouse made out of our shed. haha! oh, and our house had a white picket fence around it! it was so cute. I miss it.



2. What is hands down your favorite color on this Earth?

My favorite colors are pink (like candy pink) and aqua :-) and red. I have a pink/aqua/red kitchen with a cupcake theme and it's bitchin'!!!


3. What kind of hair do you prefer on your significant other? Or what kind of hair is a turn on to you?

My hubby has a shaved head. I LOVE it. I've had 4 "boyfriends" 2 were bald (one became my hubby) and the other two had thick brown hair that was kind of shaggy. I like the bald.

4. Now that it's summer...do you mow your lawn or does someone else? How long does it take you? Do you hate or love doing it?

Hubby does it. I do the weeding and the watering.


5. Repeat question: Summarize your week.

Not too busy, just a little bit of work. We worked on cleaning the garage and moving stuff from the storage to the garage. Tomorrow, the ZOO with the kiddles! :-)

Ten things Thursday

1. So I was reading Drazil's 10 things and she was talking about dreams and that made me remember MY dream from last night, so here it is!

So, in the dream I was at my Godson's school where we had all just made 50 "special" chairs for his classroom, and we were gifting them to the class.Afterwards, I was swinging from a swing in the schoolyard, only it was a treeswing and hanging on a Japanese magnolia tree (we have one in our yard, it has pink blooms in the spring). I was swinging pretty high, wearing a dress and flipflops when this chick starts to mess with me (trying to stop me, trying to pull off my shoes) so I get off the swing thinking she wants to fight (and if you've ever seen the movie "Annie" - it was Pepper from that movie! strange) anyway, she has some toadie with her, and they tell me I HAVE TO GO SEE SOMETHING with them. So we go to this old abandoned shack, and there is a guy there making musical instruments out of old bicycles. Pepper turns to me and says "BUT HE ALSO MAKES INSTRUMENTS OUT OF BONES!!" (um, okay). then she says, it's my birthday! Let's go eat gummybears by the creek! We we do that, and in the creek she finds a gold rubyring with a skeleton key on it and says "IT'S A SIGN FROM GOD!" .....and then I woke up because I had to pee. The End.

Geez. Whacky.

2. I am almost all caught up with work so my job today (with hubby) is to CLEAN THE GARAGE. It's like an episode of hoaders in there!

3. It's like that because when we moved, my cousins and parents helped, and they just dumped everything in my garage (remember, I moved in LAST SEPTEMBER). It's a miracle I've been able to find anything! We also moved the stuff from my old portrait studio too - so it's a tangle of props. and crap.

4. Then we're going to go get some stuff from our storage, and put it in the garage. I have too much crap. I should take some pix of it. It's insane. Maybe I should have a yard sale?

5. Although, I want to keep my props (it's a sickness) then everything else has memories and no one would buy it. haha.

6. Food issues again. The thought of anything pureed or a shake makes me feel ill right now. Some scrambled eggs kind of sound good though. For dinner for the last 4 nights we've had fish. It's soft and I have no trouble eating a small fillet. but it's boring. At least my husby likes fish a lot!

7. So I will have a bottle of propel zero, which is like my crack. Kiwi-Strawberry is like, heaven on earth. I can't have soda so this is my replacement. I search for sales on it obsessively so I can stock up. I have a stockpile of PROPEL people. If the end of the world comes, I will be well hydrated.

8. Still grumpy that I'm not losing. I know they told me "not to worry about it" but they didn't say for sure that I wasn't going to lose. It seems like everyone else lost 20-30 lbs right away (before their first fill). and I lost. Seven. Always last in line, that's me!

9. My fill is on June 11th! Exciting. and then 4 days later we're going camping! I love to go camping. I will have to get over that I can't have all of the food. Ribs.Burgers.SMORES.Hot dogs roasted over the campfire. I wonder if I can eat a marshmallow. that will make me happy.

10. We've also set the dates for summer vacation! We're going to DISNEY! Yippeeee! I heart Disneyland. How can you not grin the entire time you're there?? We're also going to California Adventure - I've never been there. My favorite rides are the Haunted Mansion and Pirates of the Caribbean - hands down. I could just ride them over and over. (I pretty much like every ride there, we love Mr.Toad's Wild Ride too!)

A little about me - Part 1

Just a random list of stuff

1. I don't get excited about purses or shoes. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE "STUFF" and would love to buy shoes/purses, but I can't - so that's why I'm not into them. I do love MY purse, it's handmade, and is covered with roses and skulls. haha

2. I really love kids. Today a baby pee'd and poo'd all over my studio and me. and I don't care. He was adorable. but I'm scared that when I have a kid, they won't like me.

3. I have panic attacks in dressing rooms - I can't wait until this is over. It started 10 years ago when I got STUCK in a dress I was trying on, because I was too big for it. This is probably why all of my clothes are from wallyworld and tarjay!

4. I hate Victoria's Secret with the fire of 1000 suns. A few years back, on Black Friday, I worked in the mall at a Chain Portrait studio. It was slower than we thought, so the manager let us go out in groups to go shopping. I happened to be with the manager (who was also my friend) and she wanted to go to VS. So I went with her, and waited while she looked (I didn't look at much, knowing nothing would fit me in the store) when a saleslady came up to me and started bugging me - "Can I help you find something...for a FRIEND??" "I'm sorry, we don't sell your size here!" (titter, titter, from all of the salesgirls). Seriously???!!!! I wouldn't shop there even if I had the body I want and all of the money in the world. Bitches. I wish they worked on commission like the chicks at the boutique in Pretty Woman - because then I could come in with a ton of shopping bags from other stores and say "BIG BIG MISTAKE!!!"

5. I love fairies, gnomes, and anything whimsical. I can't wait to finish our yard because it's going to have a wicked cool fairy garden in it. Our living room will also be decorated in a whimsical way - I will post pix when I'm done!

Frustrated

...that I am following every instruction from the Surgeon's office and I am NOT losing any weight. Freakin' 256. STILL.

...not really frustrated but jealous of everyone else who had this extensive Lane Bryant/Torrid wardrobe. I have never been able to afford any of their clothes (I have ONE shirt from Torrid). I have no idea why this makes me so annoyed today.

...still not hungry really, but eating my mushie meals and shakes (or it would be impossible to get the protein in)

...Exercising as much as I can do before I fall down dead with exaustion. I have no idea if it's doing anything. because the freaking scale hates me.

....bitching done...for now..hahahahahaaa

Sweatin' To the Oldies

Yes, Way...I bought "Sweatin' to the Oldies" on VHS at the thrift store last week. I haven't gotten to do it yet, but I can't wait. I am a nerd.

But anyway, this post is to talk about exercise. I don't HATE it. I just seem to get tired super fast. Right now we're trying to walk at least 30-45 min a day (except when we have the kids visiting, because the walk we go on involves walking in the street for part of it.)

Also doing: Wii Fit (30 minutes) but spread out through the day while I'm working on the computer.

Wii Just Dance (I can do about 3 songs in a row, then I have to wait at least 10 min and have some water before I go on)

(And a Question for people who know what they are doing about exercise -I've had many people tell me that doing 5-10 min at a time, then stopping is useless and pointless because I'm not keeping my heart rate up for long enough???)

Sweatin' to the oldies (not sure how I will do with that yet)

Walking

Tennis (I've promised my Godson D that at least 1 day a week after Schools out that I will pick him up and take him to play Tennis. I can do it for about 45 minutes. )

I've slightly toyed with the thought of joining a gym, but...I hate it. and it's not the exercise I hated. It was the people. It was the skinny, buff snotty assholes who would laugh at my fat butt trying to get on the exercise bike. I also can't afford it (We would have to get memberships for both my hubby and I, because no way I'm going alone.) sigh. I'm just so super klutzy that the thought of doing any exercise classes gives me a panic attack - I can't take the snickering and people laughing at me for falling down or tripping. I don't have anyone to go with either (whine, whine) - all of my friends have tiny kids and no time.

Sigh. So exercising with Richard Simmons at home it is!

Mexican Food, Here I come!

My Mother in Law is in town for just tonight and she is taking us out for Mexican food...sigh. We always go to the same place, and I always get amazing, delicious fajitas. Bummer. Can they just puree them?

The plan is to have some of my husby's beans and cheese (I'm not ordering an entree...What's the point?)My "mushies" phase starts tomorrow anyway.

I might try a chip or two. I'm not hungry anyway today (which is good, because I do kind of feel hungry sometimes)

Wish me luck!

ahhhh Panic Attack

I do tend to panic sometimes, but I've had it under control for months.

Last night I messed up something in my work (well, in my opinion, the client prevented me from doing my job fully, then they were not happy with the selection of work I provided them. Which, is - whose fault? gah) So I couldn't barely sleep last night because I was so worried about hearing more negative stuff from them (via email) I had contacted them with concerns and offered to do whatever I could to make it right for them.

So today I'm just a ball of nerves. I feel like I'm going to barf :-(

ETA: no less than 3 minutes after I posted this, they wrote to me and seemed understanding and wanted to work something out. ahhhh. the power of blogging!! :-D

It's FRIDAY! BYOC!

That means it’s time for BYOC – Bring Your Own Crazy! We answer five little questions to get to know each other better and to give our blogging brains a break. Copy to your own blog and enjoy!!


1. What religion were you raised as a child, if any, and are you still a member of that faith today? Why or why not?

I was raised as...none. My Mom and Dad were both forced to go to church and school (church school?) - when they had me, they didn't raise me any anything but to be a good person. If anyone asks me what my religion is - that's what I say - I was raised to be a good person and help others, but it doesn't have a label or a church.

I have *tried* many times to seek comfort from many faiths when I was troubled (I would go to church with friends) but I never felt wanted or that I belonged. Actually I pretty much felt like crap whenever I went. I sometimes envy people for the comfort they seem to get from religion/God/Jesus, but it just doesn't do anything for me.Maybe that could change - I don't know. I have no problems with anyone elses beliefs either (My best friend is deeply religious and a wonderful person, and her equally awesome husband is a Pastor)

2. Do you have an all time favorite candy or do you change favorites often?

CANDY?? Sadly, I never met a candy I didn't like, unless it was like crawfish flavored or something (I used to live in Hawaii, where they have tons of stuff from Japan, and Japan has the WEIRDEST candy flavors)

My "favorite" candy BAR is called a Violet Crumble - I believe they are from Australia - we used to be able to find them in Hawaii then when I moved at a store called World Market - but they don't have them anymore! WAH! It's chocolate covered honeycomb toffee. Dude.




3. Are you a green thumb? Do you landscape your yard or plant any flowers or a garden? Do you pay someone to do it for you? Do you not plant a single thing?

I'm working on it. We are working on landscaping our new house, but it's slow going - and expensive.

4. Let’s just say you were a tattoo junkie and you were planning your next tat and it had to be words only. What words would you choose? A quote? Phrase? One word? Would you do it in English or a different language?

"Liebling" which means "little love" in German. It was what we named out first baby we lost.

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week.

I worked. I edited pictures. We went to my stepsons Kindergarten Graduation on Thursday and also got to visit with my Mother in law (she's stopping through on a trip). Today we went to my stepsons Cubscout graduation. I took so many pictures of his Graduations that I'm going to be editing them for a week. bah.

10 Things Thursday

This might take me ALL day, but here we go!

1. I am being brave and having cream of wheat for breakfast (well, I also had some protein shake) - just a tiny, baby size serving. and it's delicious. because it's REAL FOOD.

2. Speaking of real food, I had the hugest craving for meatballs yesterday. So I made my hubby get a meatball sub from Subway, and I ate 2 meatballs (not at the same time..one at the restaurant and one at home like 5 hours later). I could get used to this.

3. I also got to see Dark Shadows!!! ooooo I love Johnny Depp. *swoon* Johnny as a vampire...yes please. We got popcorn. I might have had some. It was amazing. I did get pissed at my hubby for ordering a diet coke (sob) - I had brought a propel zero in my purse for me.

4. Today has been interesting so far - I've overcooked (overflowed) Cream of wheat in the microwave, hit my head (hard) on one of the kitchen cupboards, and then we tried to go for a walk and my leg started spasming and hurting after 10 minutes. Fun times.

5. I think I'm going to stay seated for a while and work so I don't hurt myself anymore.

6. Someone needs to buy me THIS! A "Soft Kitty" from Big Bang Theory that ACTUALLY SINGS SOFT KITTY???!!!

7. Speaking of Soft Kitty - check out the shirt I got for my Mommy for Mother's day:



8.We love Soft Kitty SO much, that Mom and D (my godson) have written out the notes so they can play it on the Piano



Yes, I come from a family of Nerds. It's awesome.

9. I'm supposed to be working, but I always listen to movies while I work (I do my best work to "The Hangover" and sometimes "Hot tub Time Machine" and "Xanadu") BUT my DVD player is broken. I have some VHS tapes (it's a vcr/dvd player) but I usually watch "Wayne's World" every day because it's my favorite out of the tapes I own.

10. I need someone to pay for their pictures TODAY so I can go buy an new DVD player. It's killing meeeee (We don't have cable or Netflix. My life is so hard!) :-)

Where are you Lala?

Oh, still here. Still on the same liquid diet (it's killing me smalls!) I haven't lost much of anything, but I will be patient.

We had a great Mother's day and my husband bought me a t-shirt I wanted - I knew it would be too small (XL - but it was from Hot Topic, and all of the clothes there are teeny tiny). I've also had these jeans in my closet for I don't know how long. I don't think I've ever worn them. I was extremely surprised to get them ON and ZIPPED! They are size 20! I haven't worn a size 20 since like 1999

So, I made my wonderful Husby take a pic of me (How convenient that I already have a background set up!) and here it is!



The plan is to take a pic in this outfit for every 10 lbs I lose :-)

Also, one of my very good, IRL friends is having Gastric Bybass done today (well, it's already done, but she's in recovery) She has a blog too! Please go visit her and say HI! :-)

BE POSITIVE LALA!

I need a giant banner that says that somewhere in the house.

Oh or maybe someone who shoves a sign in my face with those words on it whenever I start to whine.

I left our house on surgery day at 263. Then I lost 6 lbs. and now, again, I weigh 263.

I don't think 800 calories is enough. I think it is messing everything up.

Yesterday the babymama (affectionate name for my Stepsons Mom) asked us to pick him up at his bus stop after school because she had plans and it was our day to have him anyway. So we did, but she showed up anyway to kiss him goodbye etc. She came to our car and shoved a bunch of drawings, cards and laminated artwork that he had made into my open window -

"OH LOOK! S MADE ALL OF THIS STUFF FOR MEEEEE FOR MOTHER'S DAY!! ISN'T IT CUTE!! NOW GIVE IT BACK"

Fun times. I would not be lying to say that I either wanted to punch someone or start crying when she did that. You would "think" that schools would make Mother's day stuff for Stepmothers, but they don't. I've met my stepson's teacher. She knows he has a stepmother. But again, It doesn't count. I don't count.

I did eat some yogurt today which I realize was a bad idea - only 5 grams of protein. duh. and now I can't get any protein shake down.

My Dad called me and told me we are going to my Mom's favorite breakfast restaurant tomorrow for Mother's day. I love that place too, and I'm just MAD that I won't be able to order anything because really - why would I pay for a meal when I can't eat it? and everyone around me will be eating Hawaiian Pancakes and Oatmeal Cookie pancakes, and Denver Omelets and Bacon, and Strawberry Cheesecake French toast and WAFFLES and Cinnamon Rolls and Biscuits and Gravy and sausage and Hash Browns. Depressing. Positive note: they do have good coffee. Maybe I'll have a cup of that. sigh.

and kind of mad that I didn't meet my goal of 25 lbs lost by the 11th. I guess that was a stupid goal. I'm still going to go see Dark Shadows because Johnny Depp is my boyfriend and Tim Burton (director of movie) is too. mmmmmmmmmmm. I can't wait. Just me, my hubby and a propel zero. and no popcorn. wah.

and edited to add: I hate Mother's day. I hate that every single craft or art project I do with my Stepson (where I've provided the supplies etc) he makes for his Mom or his Grandma's. He will not make anything for me or My Mom. I hate that I've spent at least the last 15 years of my life daydreaming of the day when my husband and kid/s would come bounding into my bedroom on Mother's day with breakfast in bed and other stupid Hallmark sentimental crap. I give up.

BYOC - Bring your own Crazy!

BYOC - Bring Your Own Crazy!
It’s Friday fun day! That means it’s time for BYOC – Bring Your Own Crazy! We answer a few questions to get to know each other better and to give our blogging brains a break. Copy to your own blog if you so desire and have fun! Thanks Drazil!


1. Are you a “wake up on the first beep of the alarm clock” or a “hit the snooze button 50 times before you get up” kind of person? Is your alarm clock set to the right time?

hahahaha - My hubby and I are the masters of "5 more minutes". Today I needed to get out of the house by 8:20 am. My alarm was set for 7am

first Beep - get up, bathroom, back to bed
3-6 beeps (my snooze is 5 minutes) We say "5 more minutes to each other"
Then there is snuggling. I need early morning snuggles.

2. Do you decorate for any holidays other than Christmas?

Oh yes - I am the "Queen of Halloween" I will post some pix below in a bit of last years "display"

3. Would you consider yourself a spontaneous fly by the seat of your pants kind of person or a massive OCD controlling planner kind of person or someone in between?

It depends -if I had the money - I could totally just fly off and do whatever - but since I don't have money, I do have to plan out every detail and make sure all bills are paid etc before I even THINK of doing anything. Adulthood sucks.

4. Tell me some of your MUST have hair products that you use consistently….you know - share your “hair routine”.

errrr..I am really bad with hair. I hate doing my hair so I either have it cut to chin length with bangs or "long enough for a ponytail"

I do have a great set up with a stylist - I take her pictures (of her kids) and I get a cut/color when I need it.

I don't use any product in my hair - ever - unless it's Halloween or I'm going somewhere like a wedding and my hair needs to look nice for a while. Last Halloween I just gave up and wore a wig - I hate doing my hair THAT much.

5. Repeat question: How was your week and what are your upcoming weekend plans?

Still struggling with being super cranky when I don't "eat". I don't feel like eating (drinking) because I'm sick of protein shakes, jello, strained soup, and broth. I have tried some yogurt but it wasn't as yummy as I remember it being. Have you ever heard the saying "Hunger is the best sauce"? that's totally it for me - I'm not hungry and nothing tastes good anymore. It sucks.

800 calories or what??

Is it enough? All I know is that I am cranky. and emotional.

I have diet plan ("what to eat after surgery") papers from

- The Dietitian I had to see before being banded.

- From the Weight Loss Co-ordinator that works with the Surgeon

- and From the Surgeons Office

and they ALL SAY FREAKING DIFFERENT THINGS!

Some say 800 calories a Day. Some have no calorie limit listed.
Some say 80 grams of protein a day, some say 50-60.
Some say I can have pureed foods after 2 weeks, some say 3 weeks.

I seriously thing people who have a problem with food like me really need more kind of counseling or something BEFORE getting the band, because right now - I'm cranky, I'm not hungry in the least bit, and I'm GAINING weight. sigh

Ten things Thursday

1. I went back to work today! Photographing a 5 day old sweet baby boy.

2. I went to their house to do it, and I totally overdid it - I had to use an upstairs room in a giant mansion - crap. I am pooped out.

3. After I had to have something - not hungry, because I'm never hungry but CRANKY still stops by for a visit. We went to our favorite smoothie place where I got a Peanut Butter Banana with protein added smoothie. Heavenly! They also have one there that's called PBJ and dude, it tastes EXACTLY like a Peanut butter and jelly sammich.

4. Back to working, the baby peed and pooped on me. My job is GLAMOUROUS!!!

5. I do want some food though. It sounds...relaxing...to go out and have a nice meal. and a drink. but I AM DENIED! wah

6. The good news is that we barely spend any money on groceries (I have been making the hubby cook for himself. He eats a lot of tv dinners, and spaghetti. and toast) or eating out (except addictive peanut butter smoothies)

7. oh my dawg I feel like crap now. Maybe it was too early to go back to work.

8. Tomorrow I'm not working but have a Vendor show to go to with a local exercise group for Moms. I have to be there at 8am ish. too early I say! blah

9. I hate not being hungry but "wanting" food. I'm so grumpy and tired and cranky and normally I would cure this with food.

10. and to make my life even better - my DVD player decided to break. We don't have cable or netflix or anything - I need movies! preferably ones I've seen a hundred times!

Pain in the Neck

That's what my "omg I drank that too fast" warning is. A serious, actual pain in the neck!

I'm still trying to get all of that blasted protein in - it almost seems impossible! I'm not hungry though, but I crave these things daily

Popcorn - my ultimate comfort food. I've been dying to go to the movies, but I have never NOT gotten popcorn. My hubby says he's okay with not having it at the movies (and no Diet coke either..gah). My treat when I get to 25 lbs lost is going to be to see "Dark Shadows" and the plan is for me to bring a Propel Zero in my purse (and a candy bar for the hubby).

Cheeseburgers - I confess. I made my husband buy me a regular McDon.ald's Cheeseburger yesterday. I took 2 bites of just the meat.
Chewed it and chewed it - no swallowing. then spit it in a napkin and gave him the cheeseburger. I felt AWFUL about it for a while, but you know, it didn't even taste like I thought it would, it wasn't even good to me! so Yay, I'm calling that a NSV :-)

Coffee - I can make it at home with the Kerig, but I crave Starbucks. I had a tall iced notfat caramel macchiato the other day when we went for a walk at the mall - it took me over an hour to drink it (I took it home with me) and again, I just didn't enjoy it as much? It was weird. It was good, but not like I "remembered"

and a Pic from today! 257 lbs and Smilin!



I also really want to win the Eggface Viva Las Vegas Giveaway! I think it will be a great motivator! and I never win anything so it's MY TURN! haha!

ONE WEEK BANDED!

I'm down about 6 lbs this week, not sure if that is normal or not.I was kind of disappointed when I weighed myself this morning and hadn't gone down more.

I'm working hard on getting my 80 protein and 800 calories a day in. It's so whacky, for the last 2 months before surgery, I was set at 1400 calories a day - and I was constantly starving.

I do tend to get a little "weak" in the afternoons - if I don't drink my shake. I am slightly sick of shakes.

I'm feeling fine except for a tiny bit of pain around the port.

I've been trying to do as much walking as I can since Thursday too.

Today I'm trying the Wii fit again and working out on that :-)

Yay one week!

Chewy

Oh, do I want something chewy. or crunchy :-(

I'm trying hard to give myself variety with foods, but this liquid thing is the pits. The major pits.

I almost never want to see a protein shake again, and I'm not even a week post-op. I've been trying different pre-packages ones, plain and with some extra Protein powder mixed in. I still seem to like the EAS and Slim fast ones the best. I did buy some at Target (ooo market pantry on sale) that I will be trying or keeping at Mom's house in case I need something.

I drink tons of water and have usually a cup of chicken broth and a cup of beef broth a day - it helps with the "Cheeseburgers Dancing in my head" syndrome. I did have coffee today from our Keurig - yum!

I also bought some Baked Potato soup today. Bad me, but I didn't eat the chunks! Just the liquid part. I did get a piece of bacon that I ended up swallowing, but it seems to be fine. It was heavenly soup, very tasty and it satisfied my "I'm starving!!" - in my head.

AND I finally figured out how to set MyFitnessPal to put me at 80 grams of protein and 800 calories a day!

Next, finding unflavored protein powder that I don't need to buy online. I can't find any!

ETA: I found some! It's by Biochem and is unflavored. I got it at the Vitamin Shoppe!

Comfort

I'm really struggling tonight...I watched a movie...but no snack or popcorn.

After the movie, I thought about reading, but reading for me usually also involved a snack of some kind.

I really needed some comfort...but the only other thing I would do is take a nice, long bubble bath (without a snack, at least I didn't snack in the bathtub!!) but I can't take tub baths yet due to the incisions.

I'm just wandering around the house aimlessly, being bored and thinking about snacks and bubble baths.

With a little help from my friends!

I am so blessed - I've meet so many new "banded" friends these past few weeks, and I read their blogs almost obsessively and love it when they comment! Thank you!

and my "real life" friends?? I am amazed at the support! I've received so many sweet comments and encouragements this last week - I totally was not expecting that - that is one reason why I started this blog!

and can we get a woot woot? I've lost 23 lbs! Six since Surgery day!

I have to thank Happily Ever Lapband - I have been adding extra protein powder to pre-made shakes, and it's been a breeze getting my protein in!

I do notice I get cranky around 4pm - and weak. because I'm not eating, duh. So I am having a nice EAS Chocolate shake blended up with some Biochem protein powder (vanilla) and a little bit of Salted Caramel Torani syrup. Yum! Of course, it takes me 45 minutes to drink it.

I bought this yesterday - WARNING - it is DISGUSTING. Do not buy!! Yucky. I was mad because I had some of their Cookie (like oreo cookie) powder a few months ago and it tasted fine.

I also did something funny today - I was making some Mac and cheese for my Godsons for lunch, and totally without thinking, popped some noodles in my mouth to test "doneness". Mom was there and was like " You know, you just put noodles in your mouth!!" haha! I spit them out. It was funny though.

Now, time for a walk with my Hubby. At the Mall. accckkk food court :-(

Saturday (Night) is alright for doing waaayyy to much!

I was feeling pretty good today, so we had a trip to the park, the store (more protein powders to try - yippee!) and then Carls Jr.with my bestie, her hubby and her kiddles.

Yes, I sat there while my friends and hubby ate French fries...and patty melts, and turkey avocado burgers and burritos and drank Coke (My husband got Dr.Pepper, I hate Dr.Pepper so I was glad haha - no temptation!). I was bad and had my husband order me a "very smooth" oreo shake. I sipped on maybe an ounce of it, then gave it to the kids. I then stuck to water. (insert grumpy Lala face here)

Then it was off to Wallyworld to get some chewable vitamins and other odds and ends. so exciting!

Now, I am hurting, BAD. Time for some yucky liquid pain meds! and I can only take the pain meds if I very slowly drink a cup of warm broth, then wait. then I suck the dose down. then I have to take a drink of JUICE. If I drink water after, I barf. If I try protein shake before the meds, I barf. I HAVE A SYSTEM!

Bring your Own Crazy!

That’s right – it’s time for BYOC…Bring Your Own Crazy! Thanks Drazil! 


5 questions we answer in an effort to get to know each other better and to give our blogging brains a break! Join us!!

1. Do you have any Mother’s Day traditions? 


We usually make breakfast for my Mom (my godsons - her adopted sons - like to help me) or go out to dinner the night before. I usually also give her a gift and we have a girls day if she is in town (My parents anniversary is in May so sometimes they are away during Mother's Day). I'll send a card to my Mother in Law


What do "I" do every mothers day? Cry. and get upset that my husband doesn't acknowledge it or our lost babies. Then he runs out and gets me some crap. He is getting better. I don't really care about gifts, but a card or something would work. We usually do something from my Stepson to his Mom and Grandma's - I'm ahead of the game this year, he's already picked something out and painted it - we just need to make cards and wrap them :-) 
2. Do you take a daily vitamin? Why or why not?

I take gummy vitamins and iron. I haven't tried since surgery. Pills = scary

3. Do you wear perfume every day? If yes, what kind?

No. My hubby is sensitive to "smells" so I don't  - but with bodywash (I  have a kind that smells like margaritas!) and lotion (Apple) and deodorant (lavender?) I have a...interesting smell. I like it.

I don't actually own any actual perfume!

4. When you walk or run or work out outside – what do you take with you?

I take my hubby. and the cat, in her stroller. A bottle of water, my ipod with the timer /stopwatch on it, and my phone.

5. Repeat question. Summarize your week.

Of course, I got banded! and why is the text a million different sizes when I do BYOC?? hahaha. 

Day Three

Holy crap am I bored ...out..of..my...head. I went back to work (just computer work) because I was ready to rip my hair out after 3 days of laying around. I loved it at my parents house, but they had to keep cooking FOOD.

I'm not hungry. I'm the opposite of hungry. but they were cooking things that smelled way too good. Tacos. Panini Sandwiches. Omelets. WAFFLES! All of these things wanted to GET IN MY BELLEH!

So, I packed up my junk and had my husband bring me home, then we went to the store to get me some stuff (protein powder, a movie to watch) and so I could go for a walk.

and I tried to watch the movie, but my DVD player decided to be broken.

and I am BORED. Can they please make a popcorn FREE movie theatre - just for a few weeks?

and I am dying to take a bath and relax. Woe is me.

All about my band! (or as much as I can remember)

Since I have the lap-top for a few, I'm going to try to type out everything I remember. Mainly to keep my mind off of the fact that I'm staying at my parents house and at this very moment, my Mom is making Panini Sandwiches for the rest of the fam. I'm not hungry. I know I can't eat it. but dude, it smells delish. waaah.

(Warning, some TMI stuff below)

I woke up on Surgery day with....my period. Fun times! When we checked into the hospital and they had me put on my gown, I asked the nurse, what should I do? Should I wear "protection"? she said no. I was like...okaaay. but whatever. Then they made me pee in a cup for a pregnancy test. yay more fun!

IV, vitals, etc, - I tell them to give me A LOT of "relaxing" medicine. My room did have a tv so I got to relax for a bit. The anesthesiologist came in to say hi, then it was time to go!

They wheeled me in, and I swear, the anesthesiologist asked me to "Name 5 US senators" - I was like, what?? but then it seemed like just a few minutes until I was in recovery with a nice nurse named Carol. I  may have told her my pain was "11-teen" haha!

I got to go back to my room after a while then they let mom come see me. I had to go to the bathroom when I realized that I didn't have a catheter! and omg. a mess. no pad under me, gross. and my nurse was a total hottie. It was not fun trying to take care of my er "personal" stuff immediately after surgery!!! they had me trying to put on the free mesh panties and a giant pad. fun times. Mom and hubby brought me a balloon and a present from the gift shop too!

Pic from right after:

Mom helped me get dressed the rest of the way, and I got wheeled to the car by hottie nurse. We went home and I was pretty out of it. The anti-nausea meds made me barf. the pain meds made me barf. but by Wednesday I was doing pretty good.

(Me with Mom's Cat)

Liquid Diet Buffet

The pain I have right now is around the port area, but I can walk around fine and get in and out of the recliner. I'm not hungry but if I smell food I get grumpy! I can have protein shakes now, and I've been having broth and water and jello and popsicles. and I may have sucked on a piece of carmel corn (I spit it out when it was mostly gone, I was too scared to swallow it!!!) and Mom did get me some cheesecake frozen yogurt and I had a few bites of that.

Scary picture:

I am bored though. I am ready to get back to work (at least on the computer, not physically).