Ignore this rant (if you want)

I'm having a hard time today.

I'm so so so thrilled for my friend and her new baby (I got to see him last night! and hold him!)

but

All day long I've had this pain in my heart. and a weight on my shoulders.

Yesterday I brought snacks and soda and baby presents to my friend.

Today I had signed up to bring a meal to one of my clients who just had a baby (She belongs to the playgroup that I take portraits for and they had a sign up website for the "new baby" meals)

Both of these lovely, awesome, sweet, amazing ladies (Mothers!) have 4 children now.

Both are younger than me.

One, I know has lost several babies. I've been with her through most (some happened before I met her)

I have no idea about the other lady - if she had any struggles getting pregnant (and it's not my business)

but I spend so much of my time wondering what it's like.

If I'll ever have that.

All I want is 1. One Kid. I won't be greedy (not saying people with more than 1 are, of course, but I am pretty sure I would be satisfied with 1 of my own)

I can't join "Mom" groups (as you have to bring your kids to the playdates, and I never EVER have my stepson on the dates they meet)

It's like when I was in High School (ha! even now) I would sit somewhere, or lie down and wonder what it was like to be pretty.

It sounded pretty freaking awesome to me.

I have a friend from HS that was very pretty, and she had done some modeling. (She is awesome, and a great friend too!)

Once she complained about getting attention for her looks.

Complaints?

about being PRETTY?

Seriously?

Of course, I have no idea what it's like.

Just like people who have kids. Who have had no trouble having them.

How can they know what it's like for me?

So, now I dwell on TWO things : Unpretty and Barren (and fat. but working on that. I can't fix the other two)