Pain and Panic

(Does anyone remember these little guys? I have little figures of them somewhere in my piles of hoarded crap)

So. Hi.

Lala is not doing well. Other than I've spent this month STARVING TO DEATH (because I didn't get the stupid fill) - I've just been depressed.

I've received many blessings, but selfish old me can't help thinking - I don't want THIS! I want THAT!!! DUDE!

(Infertility rant beginning)

All of the lovely people are know are BIRTHING! They are AMAZING strong women! YAY for them!!

You see, I cannot count how many people I've heard whine (like myself, that they weren't pregnant yet) who were like...20 years old. Oh please. Give me a freaking break.

I once worked with a girl who got married at 18, and at almost 21 she hadn't gotten pregnant yet, and would sit in the back room at work, SOBBING about it. I tried to be sympathetic, I mean, I wanted children badly myself (at the time, I was 29, and unmarried, no boyfriend) so I would try to console her and be her friend.

After about, oh a year of this, I was done. I said to her - look - you're married to a great guy with a job, and medical insurance, you have a good job and insurance - you're only 21. Go to the Dr and see what's wrong and QUIT YER BITCHIN'!!!!!

(The insurance thing gets me every time, I just can't afford it)

Oh, within..3 months she was pregnant..and she has 3 kids now. The oldest just started first grade.

and I'm here, almost 36. No babies.

Again I feel like I know nothing because I've never given birth or had someone call me "Mom". Friends with kids are hard to hang out with, because it seems no one can hire a babysitter anymore. Friends with kids don't always invite ME places because I have...no kids. I can't do to "Mom's Night Out".

People with no kids? Well, (except for US) have TOO MANY friends already and are too busy to hang out.

I COULD NOT POSSIBLY know anything about newborn babies or kids! I mean - dude, don't you know that if you aren't a Mom yourself, you are SO DUMB!

I'm having panic attacks about everything.

I'm having constant pain from my ovarian cysts and I can't do anything about it. (Dr says, either have a hysterectomy or deal with it. I can't go to the Dr. for pain medication because then they treat you like a druggie.)

(Also mad because someone else I know gave birth this week, and used THE NAME that I've loved since I was 10 years old. I was holding on to it, but whatever. It's like that name is dead to me now and I'm sad. Which is soooo stupid!!! oh well)