Ignore this rant (if you want)

I'm having a hard time today.

I'm so so so thrilled for my friend and her new baby (I got to see him last night! and hold him!)

but

All day long I've had this pain in my heart. and a weight on my shoulders.

Yesterday I brought snacks and soda and baby presents to my friend.

Today I had signed up to bring a meal to one of my clients who just had a baby (She belongs to the playgroup that I take portraits for and they had a sign up website for the "new baby" meals)

Both of these lovely, awesome, sweet, amazing ladies (Mothers!) have 4 children now.

Both are younger than me.

One, I know has lost several babies. I've been with her through most (some happened before I met her)

I have no idea about the other lady - if she had any struggles getting pregnant (and it's not my business)

but I spend so much of my time wondering what it's like.

If I'll ever have that.

All I want is 1. One Kid. I won't be greedy (not saying people with more than 1 are, of course, but I am pretty sure I would be satisfied with 1 of my own)

I can't join "Mom" groups (as you have to bring your kids to the playdates, and I never EVER have my stepson on the dates they meet)

It's like when I was in High School (ha! even now) I would sit somewhere, or lie down and wonder what it was like to be pretty.

It sounded pretty freaking awesome to me.

I have a friend from HS that was very pretty, and she had done some modeling. (She is awesome, and a great friend too!)

Once she complained about getting attention for her looks.

Complaints?

about being PRETTY?

Seriously?

Of course, I have no idea what it's like.

Just like people who have kids. Who have had no trouble having them.

How can they know what it's like for me?

So, now I dwell on TWO things : Unpretty and Barren (and fat. but working on that. I can't fix the other two)

Ten Things Thursday - The YIPPEE Editon

1. MY FRIEND HAD HER BABY! (not many people I know in RL read this, so I can't post on her FB or anything, but I got THE TEXT!) I have been dancing around for like 45 minutes - I am SO happy for them. I know the sex/stats but not the name yet. It's driving me crazzzzy not to know the name.

2. My camera and flash batteries are all charging for when I get the CALL to come see New Baby Sweetness. I always take pix of them with baby in the hospital. and I need baby snuggles. Bad.

3. and in a little bit - I GET TO GO SHOPPING! I hadn't bought her any actual baby stuff yet because I didn't know the sex of the baby, but now, I get to go crazy. that's right. Baby stuff CRAZY!

4. and food crazy. because yesterday the hungries came back. My fill is on July 3rd. and I need it. gah.

5. A quick list of foods and if they "go down"

Muffins - nope. ow.

Snack Mix (Gardettos, Chex Mix) - NOPE.

Spinach - One day it goes down in a salad, the next day, it chokes me. Fickle Spinach. Sauteed Spinach went down fine.

Doritos - Nope

Orange Chicken - nope

Pringles - yep (we were CAMPING!)

Panini Sandwich - Yep. it was really crunchy. I had 1/4 of a sandwich

Cheese - YEP.

Shrimp - YEP (I love shrimp. dude)

Mongolian BBQ - yep! just meat and veggies, no noodles

6. dude, it's been like 5 hours since I started this list and I still don't know how my friend and her baby are. but I can't bug them. gaaaahhhh. I want to bring presents!!

7. We're heading out to buy some more baby prezzies in a few (yeah!) and then I have to buy something for my cousin's bridal shower...

8. I totally have selfish-ness issues with bridal/baby showers (the only peole who came to my bridal shower were my bridesmaids and immediate family - none of my friends came). I have been to endless bridal showers and baby showers and bachlorette parties and bought gifts for them for like last like, 21 years. By the time I have a baby I'd better get so much stuff I won't be able to stand it, seriously.(I also feel this way about kid's bday gifts/christmas gifts because I've been buying them for so long, and I've had no kids. Finally, LAST YEAR, my family bought my step-son some Christmas gifts, when we was SIX - we got married while he was still a baby! gah. It just bugs me. I already know I'm selfish. haha.

9. We just got back from 3 stores looking for baby gifts. I did venture into Babies R Us and had a HUGE panic attack :-( gaaaah. I used to have a boyfriend who knew how much I wanted kids, and every time we would drive by it he would make a joke about going inside and picking out a baby. MEN.

10. Gifts are purchased (with gift receipts, lest she not like the stuff) and I need to wrap them. I also picked up some drinks and snacks for her and her hubby. I've heard from her hubby but it doesn't look like I will be able to visit tonight :-( maybe tomorrow. (waaaaaaaaaahhhh!!!!!!! unless she calls in the next 30 minutes. haha)

Regret?

I'm mad.

I'm mad that I'm doing everything I'm supposed to, and I'm not losing weight.

I've lost ONE POUND since my fill.

I eat 1000-1200 calories a day (and I can't force in much more than that)

I exercise daily (geez, we just went on a camping trip where I hiked/walked for hours every day, plus swimming and pulling a kid around in a kayak for hours). When we're home, we walk or do wii dancing or wii fit.

I eat all of my protein. I don't eat junk. I don't eat fast food.

Yesterday I got fed up with being good, and we went to the movies where I snarfed extremely buttery popcorn and 1/2 of a hershey bar.

and this morning, a .5 lb loss after weeks of nothing.

SERIOUSLY???!!!! gah.

Brain Snacks

I worked a lot today (two photography sessions - about 5 hours of that - crawling around, jumping around, bending, moving, carrying things) - plus prep and computer work (add in about 8-10 more hours in the day for that)

I'm pooped out.

My habit in the past after a day like this was to grab a book or the iPad, hop in the car, head to the drive-thru and buy myself a Big Mac, Fries and Diet Coke.

I would then park somewhere private, eat and read for a while (and hour or two). This practice always relaxed and refreshed me (it seemed)

Today, as soon as my clients left - I started wishing I could go do that and get away for an hour or two (I can't because 1- my hubby has the car and 2- duh, I can't eat that).

I still felt that would relax me, full knowing it's impossible.

sigh.

I'm having a little trouble with food. The only thing that goes down without chest pain is a laughing cow cheese and some wheat thins (or string cheese) . Everything else makes me hurt (I haven't slimed or pb'd today - but then I haven't tried much) - Eggs, bananas, chicken. I do have mashed potatoes but they are just full of calories and fatty (a mix). I am dying for a salad or some spinach but I don't know if they will go down okay.

double sigh. Well, back to work! :-)

I feel weak, but not hungry (except for things that are impossible).

Ten things Thursday -The Slimer Edition

1. We went to the local Waterpark today (I won tickets in a photo contest, and good thing because the tickets are $30 a person) - Me, Hubsy, Godson D, Stepson and Stepson's Mom!

2. My bathing suit I bought at a thrift store (not my other new one that fits weird) is a size 20 and it fit awesome! It was super cute too, I looked hot. No pix though, because no one ever takes pix of me (I had the camera)

3. We had lunch there, and I looked at every food stand they had, and nothing sounded bandster friendly AT ALL - I mean, a smoothie would have been awesome, but nope. Just ice cream. The Orange chicken looked good, and my husby said he'd share it with me (he had pizza too, hog)

4. Note to self - don't eat "popcorn" chicken, because that's what it was - with orange sauce. 3 of those delish morsels made it into me (and chewed chewed chewed) but...oh no.

5. I had a fun fun FUN episode where I had to RUN to the nearest bathroom (grabbing a handful of napkins on the way - napkins are my friend today) where I didn't barf, just had pain, and burped and slimed and omg IT SUCKED.

6. The rest of the day was uncventful, just more swimmin' and sunning, it's a super fun place but dude, I'm glad I didn't have to pay to get in! I did NOT go down any waterslides - the weight limit was 250. gah.

7. By the end of the day, I wanted something to eat so I broke down and bought myself an ice cream (yay Dippin' Dots!) but the kids ate most of it.

I still feel kind of guilty for eating ice cream (slider!)

8. Now we're home and the kids are in the bath (and they don't want to get out - you'd think they'd be tired of the water - huh?

Okay, it's 8 things Thursday for now - more later!

Adventures of Filled Lala

It's oh so weird for me. I'm not hungry. The opposite of hungry.

I haven't been getting upset that people are eating things around me that I can't have (and I made my Godson's their requests for lunch today - Mac n cheese and a Peanut butter sammich. I smelled both, and that was good for me. I'm a food smeller)

My brain though says "Hey, Lala...there are cheese sticks in the fridge! or you could make some popcorn with the movie."

I don't really want any cheese. or popcorn, I'm not hungry and right now have just been making sure I get my protein in. I'm kind of sticking to mushies today because of the fill on Monday, but tomorrow I will go back to "normal" food.

and I'm craving salad, which I have not tried to eat since getting the band. I don't think I've ever craved salad in my entire life.

FILLED!

So, it went okay. I had to wait like 45 minutes in the little room for the surgeon (and I was not happy. at least I brought the iPad and had 45 min to read and play Angry Birds Space and fool around on Facebook...)

They didn't have me fill anything out, just asked about exercise and what I can eat - if I've had anything stuck, etc (and NO because I hate barfing so I don't eat things that are "known" to get stuck). I told them I was always hungry between meals/no restriction.

I had to lie down with a pillow under my back and raise my head and shoulders up like doing a crunch. The first time, he missed and hit the side of my port with the needle - OMG it hurt so bad I thought I was going to pass out. Then he tried again and I didn't feel anything at all. I now have 6 cc's in a (large) 14 cc band!

I'll say - I certainly DO NOT want any food right now - at all. I'm on liquids for 2 days and that's just fine with me! :-)

ETA: So it's been a few hours and I totally feel like crapola. My stomach is growling and rumbling like you wouldn't believe (or maybe some of you would, ha ha) - we went to the store and it growled and some lady kept giving me nasty looks! I'm not "hungry" but I feel so so weak, like I can barely move. Yucky :-(

Cannot wait for that FILL!!

(Complete Random Post that I've been working on for 3 days...gah)

Holy geez I am an eating machine. I'm eating "healthy" and getting my protein in, but dude. I want something to eat every hour. I never have restriction or feel full. I need a nice HUGE fill.

It's summer. I bought a new bathing suit! but it's still a little tight and it's a 3 x *insert grumpy face here* It fits fine in the waist/hips/butt, but the chest area is too tight. I didn't try it on at the store before buying it because I was afraid of getting stuck in it in the dressing room!

The reason for the new Bathing suit (which is hot pink and black, of course) is CAMPING! We're going camping in 10 days! I am so stoked. I love to go camping. We'll be driving up in my parents motorhome (which them of course, and my Godsons) and the best news of all - we get to take my Stepson! Yippee! We've never gotten to take him anywhere overnight, and he's never been camping.

I'm bummed today because I have a photography event that I do every year (little girls dressed as Fairies) and it's been pouring rain and I had to reschedule it. So I got everything read to go, and packed it up in our van (we do the portraits at the park) and then...let down. sigh. If anyone wants to see what they look like (last years) - comment with your email and I'll send you the website :-)

and in other news, I'm heartbroken because I lost my purse. I left it at the last showing of a small, family run movie theater and we were the LAST PEOPLE to leave. They say they didn't find it. That means to me that whoever cleaned the theater stole it. Did I mention I only own 1 purse? sigh. At least my wallet was in the car!

Who? Lala?

I'm still around, really - with work, and having my Godson decide he "wants to live here this summer" (his 12 year old brother has Autism, and some other problems, and he tends to torment his little brother - it's better he stays with us most of the time). We also have my Stepson more and more since his Mom moved nearby (YES!)

My Bestie is about to have her baby so I've been "Labor-Sitting" her when she needs to go somewhere - either we take her to the store, or she picks me up and I help her with the kids in the store (She has SIX kids. and 9 months Preggo. She is my Hero.) She has a 8 month old foster daughter that I love to squeeze and love on :-) We call it Labor sitting of course, in case her water breaks. All of her births have been like, 1.5 hours after her water breaks, or something, so it's best she's not alone.

I've also been working a TON (which is good), being domestic -sewing, cleaning, organizing, decorating are my new hobbies as I can't eat.

I'm also working on my crafty blog - it's here if you're interested! (only a few posts so far)

I have lost 26 lbs now! yippee! I get my fill on Monday. I NEED IT! Because really, everything goes down. I get full super fast, but I do feel hungry. Nothing has gotten stuck at all. Tonight the kids and my husband are having Pizza Rolls and I don't even want any, I'm going to have a yummo Banana Peanut Butter Super Protein Shake!