Another Progress Pic and BRA RANT!

So, we did a vendor table for my biz at a local mom's group a few weeks ago. This photo of me (and Hubby and Godson) was on FB and I just randomly found it (taken by a stranger!)

Anyway, I noticed the shirt I was wearing. I looked through some old pix on FB of a trip I took to visit a friend in April 2011, and there I was, wearing the same top.

I must have been around 295 there - I'm guessing....

Can you see a difference? (50 lbs?? I weigh 245 now!)



So, anyway, today we happened to be near the outlet mall (we NEVER go there, so it was an OCCASION!) They have a store that sells only bras/undies so I went there to find a sports bra.

I've been hating doing cardio at home because my boobies like to do a little (painful) dance. bleck. I haven't been able to find a sports bra in larger than a size L/XL (which looks like, an extra small) anywhere. I bought bras there in Feb of 11 that I am STILL wearing,they used to be on the last hook/loosest straps, but they are now adjusted as tight as they will go, AND I took in the sides on the sewing machine like an inch on each side. These bras are all 46 D/DD. She measures me today and says I'm...a 50 DDD? WHATTTT???

Seriously...WHHHHATTTT???? How could I be BIGGER???????

and they didn't have any sports bras in that size, anyway. The biggest was a 44 D - which she tried to get me to buy anyway. It had UNDERWIRE. um ow. I don't want to exercise in that!! and they were $40 each. Right. I'm going to pay $40 for a too small, uncomfortable sports bra.

Help? Where can I find one to fit?? I can't afford more than $20 for a bra. Any more than that and it'd better...I don't know...come with a cabana boy?? WAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH

33 lbs? Why...YES! I did it!

So, I have been a bad blogger and totally missing - we went to Disney and stuff and now I'm trying to get my life back together. It's crazy.

BUT - I've lost TEN POUNDS since my last Progress photo and here it is!



I had a difficult time coaching the husby this time on how to take the photo - so I really don't like it (Neither us noticed that my sleeves are all whacked out, oh well.)

and to see the progress (I don't see much though) - here is a composite of today's photo and the one from May



So, my girls seem to have gotten "perkier" - which is cool. I'm wearing the same bra anyway. The jeans are definitely looser in the waist and in the butt (still super tight in the legs/thighs though) The shirt still feels super tight to me.

Yay Lap-band.

(and here is a NSV - I bought my husband Sushi and I had...1 piece. and I was full. The End)

The Search

One of the things I hate is that I can't never (or hardly ever) find clothes to fit me. Forget needing something specific, because I just won't find it. I pretty much find all of my clothes at Walmart and the thrift store (and I HATE IT).

I can't afford to shop online or at Lane Bryant. I hate looking like a slob all of the time because my clothes are ill fitting.

Anyway, I needed a disney themed shirt to wear on our trip - could I find one?

NOPE!

It took a week of looking at every store in town that sells Plus size clothes before I found a shirt at Fashion Bug - and it was about 3 times more than I wanted to spend. (I just found out that Fashion Bug is owned by Lane Bryant. heh)

sigh. I can't wait to go shopping at a regular store. dammit.

Ten things Thursday - The It took me until Friday to finish this edition

1. Still almost regretting getting the band. I've lost 1 lb..in a MONTH. My body obviously doesn't care that I'm eating less. I don't get it. I hiked miles every day while camping (TWICE) and watched my food intake...nada. I'm ticked.

2. My fill is on Monday. I don't eat much now so I don't see how eating LESS is going to help me lose weight. Can you tell I'm frustrated?

3. Our Van died 2 minutes before we went camping. The price to fix it is crazy insane. It makes me feel ill the amount of work I'm going to have to do to pay for it. I wish my husband would find a job (once the car is fixed that is, it's bad enough begging my parents to drive me to my jobs)

4. I am going stir crazy at home. It's like 105. the air quality is bad. and we're not really in walking distance of much. (there is a grocery store with a s.bux in it about a mile away. but in the heat I am way too lazy to walk that mile)

5. not like we can afford to go to the store anyway, or have coffee. We are officially poor, poor, poor.

6. I am so desperate for coffee that I scrounged around in the cupboard until I found a instant coffee packet. As soon as my ice is frozen, I will be enjoying THAT with skim milk and some Torani caramel syrup. I hope it satisfies me!

7. and now it's friday! oh well. Anyway, we spent the day making my parents drive us around, my cat had a appointment at the vet to be spayed (finally!!) at the crack of dawn. She's home now and doing great!

8. We also had to go to the courthouse to file some papers on "something". I will update more about it later, I just don't feel comfy posting about it yet. but it's a VERY good thing, should it work out.

9. NINE days until we leave on Vacation! I'm on a quest! A Quest for FUN! A quest to see...a rodent. "Rodent" is our family code word for anything Mickey or Dis.ney, of course. I am so stoked.

10. Before we got poor, I ordered Disney pins from eB.ay so the Godson and I could try out Disney pin trading. Has anyone done that before???

Stupid

We've been away camping. It was a mix of "omg this is soooo much fun" and "dude, I am never doing this again" that I will write about later.

While we were camping (at a State Park, with a lake) - we went fishing twice. I love to go fishing, but in the like, 14 years that I've lived here, I've only caught 1 fish. We still go, anyway, every year.

Anyway, there was a family with 2 kids fishing at the same time we did. They were taking up the entire dock and bridge with all of their STUFF and were catching fish after fish. We were catching nothing.

We wandered over to them (just me and Godson D) and asked if we could fish off the bridge with them.

After about 20 minutes, I did a cast and I messed up - I didn't cast the fishing rod correctly, and my line and hook got caught on the bridge.

Immediately after, the little boy in the other family (maybe 8-9 years old) says "That's the STUPIDEST THING I've ever seen...ANYONE DO!" (laughing and pointing)

At first, I didn't realize he was talking about me. I turned and asked - was that about me? about my mistake?

Yes.

I grabbed my stuff, took D's hand and went back to our family. I put my head down on the picnic table and cried.

I cried over what a stranger, a kid said to me.

It was like I was 8 years old again, and someone at school or on the playground was teasing or taunting me. I am sensitive. I am a crier. and I'm pretty sure making me cry was a playground activity like Handball.

Why did it bother me do much? I'm still working on that.

Ignore this rant (if you want)

I'm having a hard time today.

I'm so so so thrilled for my friend and her new baby (I got to see him last night! and hold him!)

but

All day long I've had this pain in my heart. and a weight on my shoulders.

Yesterday I brought snacks and soda and baby presents to my friend.

Today I had signed up to bring a meal to one of my clients who just had a baby (She belongs to the playgroup that I take portraits for and they had a sign up website for the "new baby" meals)

Both of these lovely, awesome, sweet, amazing ladies (Mothers!) have 4 children now.

Both are younger than me.

One, I know has lost several babies. I've been with her through most (some happened before I met her)

I have no idea about the other lady - if she had any struggles getting pregnant (and it's not my business)

but I spend so much of my time wondering what it's like.

If I'll ever have that.

All I want is 1. One Kid. I won't be greedy (not saying people with more than 1 are, of course, but I am pretty sure I would be satisfied with 1 of my own)

I can't join "Mom" groups (as you have to bring your kids to the playdates, and I never EVER have my stepson on the dates they meet)

It's like when I was in High School (ha! even now) I would sit somewhere, or lie down and wonder what it was like to be pretty.

It sounded pretty freaking awesome to me.

I have a friend from HS that was very pretty, and she had done some modeling. (She is awesome, and a great friend too!)

Once she complained about getting attention for her looks.

Complaints?

about being PRETTY?

Seriously?

Of course, I have no idea what it's like.

Just like people who have kids. Who have had no trouble having them.

How can they know what it's like for me?

So, now I dwell on TWO things : Unpretty and Barren (and fat. but working on that. I can't fix the other two)

Ten Things Thursday - The YIPPEE Editon

1. MY FRIEND HAD HER BABY! (not many people I know in RL read this, so I can't post on her FB or anything, but I got THE TEXT!) I have been dancing around for like 45 minutes - I am SO happy for them. I know the sex/stats but not the name yet. It's driving me crazzzzy not to know the name.

2. My camera and flash batteries are all charging for when I get the CALL to come see New Baby Sweetness. I always take pix of them with baby in the hospital. and I need baby snuggles. Bad.

3. and in a little bit - I GET TO GO SHOPPING! I hadn't bought her any actual baby stuff yet because I didn't know the sex of the baby, but now, I get to go crazy. that's right. Baby stuff CRAZY!

4. and food crazy. because yesterday the hungries came back. My fill is on July 3rd. and I need it. gah.

5. A quick list of foods and if they "go down"

Muffins - nope. ow.

Snack Mix (Gardettos, Chex Mix) - NOPE.

Spinach - One day it goes down in a salad, the next day, it chokes me. Fickle Spinach. Sauteed Spinach went down fine.

Doritos - Nope

Orange Chicken - nope

Pringles - yep (we were CAMPING!)

Panini Sandwich - Yep. it was really crunchy. I had 1/4 of a sandwich

Cheese - YEP.

Shrimp - YEP (I love shrimp. dude)

Mongolian BBQ - yep! just meat and veggies, no noodles

6. dude, it's been like 5 hours since I started this list and I still don't know how my friend and her baby are. but I can't bug them. gaaaahhhh. I want to bring presents!!

7. We're heading out to buy some more baby prezzies in a few (yeah!) and then I have to buy something for my cousin's bridal shower...

8. I totally have selfish-ness issues with bridal/baby showers (the only peole who came to my bridal shower were my bridesmaids and immediate family - none of my friends came). I have been to endless bridal showers and baby showers and bachlorette parties and bought gifts for them for like last like, 21 years. By the time I have a baby I'd better get so much stuff I won't be able to stand it, seriously.(I also feel this way about kid's bday gifts/christmas gifts because I've been buying them for so long, and I've had no kids. Finally, LAST YEAR, my family bought my step-son some Christmas gifts, when we was SIX - we got married while he was still a baby! gah. It just bugs me. I already know I'm selfish. haha.

9. We just got back from 3 stores looking for baby gifts. I did venture into Babies R Us and had a HUGE panic attack :-( gaaaah. I used to have a boyfriend who knew how much I wanted kids, and every time we would drive by it he would make a joke about going inside and picking out a baby. MEN.

10. Gifts are purchased (with gift receipts, lest she not like the stuff) and I need to wrap them. I also picked up some drinks and snacks for her and her hubby. I've heard from her hubby but it doesn't look like I will be able to visit tonight :-( maybe tomorrow. (waaaaaaaaaahhhh!!!!!!! unless she calls in the next 30 minutes. haha)