I have been a bad blogger, but I still don't feel comfortable blogging because of certain nosy, irritating people. I haven't had the time or energy to start a new blog or make this one private.
I do miss blogging - hopefully I can update soon on what's going on here.
Until then - MERRY CHRISTMAS!!
Monday, December 17, 2012
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Silent
For several days I've felt like I have to be silent.
That I couldn't share things on MY blog, just because someone I know is reading.
You see, this was Bullying Week - and I felt like a adult woman, a former friend was bullying me via Facebook messages.
That's a story (one I'm not sure I'll write about here) for another time though.
I don't have a ton a friends. I've never been the life of the party - but, when I DO make a friend, a GOOD friend, we are usually friends for quite a while. There are only 2 friends in my past that are no longer.
I don't lie to my friends.
I don't make up stories so they will feel sorry for me.
I don't put them down - or their spouse (even when I think their choice of husband is an complete asshole)
I would do anything I could to help them within my power if they need help.
I will always listen.
I will always tell the truth.
However - I don't always THINK before the truth - what I'm feeling - comes out of my mouth.
I had a friend, that I knew since Early elementary school. We were friends even when we lived in different states - letters, phone calls, and online chats. We drove and flew to be with each other. And while we both did things that drove the other absolutely crazy - we could laugh about it.
Once this friend - I'll call her Olive - started having kids (when we were 25) - our relationship changed. She became very "crunchy" (and not a bad thing at all, but she was). She became a very fierce MamaBear.
I loved her kids - they were awesome, and even had a special name they made up just for me (that I loved - I felt like a special Auntie)
Four years ago - Olive asked me to come visit her and teach her about photography. I had started my business a few years before. I didn't have the money to come - so her husband bought me a ticket, and I flew to their state for a 10 day trip to teach her and hang out.
The first 2 days were fun - we ran around and saw things. I played with the kids.
On the 3 rd day - it turned into - oh, watch the baby while I take Kid #1 to school. then I have all of these errands to run. Lather, rinse, repeat. For 5 days. I played with her kids constantly, watched them, fed them snacks and basically acted like a Nanny. We did no photography nor went anywhere. To me, she never played with her kids - just on the computer.
At this time, I was getting mad. I wanted to say to her - what the hell is this? but I couldn't get the words out. I was so frustrated, that I went to the room I was staying in to cry. She came to ask what was wrong/going on - and I said it. Exactly what was on my mind - that she ignores her kids etc etc and I wasn't there to be a babysitter! We had words. It wasn't pretty.
She then tells me I'm kicked out and I have to leave. I have basically 10 min to pack, and get my butt out of there - I have no car, and no where to stay in a city I know nothing about.
(It was a nightmare getting home but not going to write that part out)
When I got home I emailed her and asked if we could work this out - she said no - and her husband wrote to me and said the same thing. I have not tried to contact her or anything since, although I would like to talk to her about it.
Sigh.
So, person who is reading this that I would rather stay out of my business:
I feel harassed. I feel bothered. I feel like I shouldn't have to say to someone - OVER AND OVER again that I do not want to be friends. I do not have to list reasons why - even though I COULD.
I have no desire to be your friend. I feel lied to and that doesn't sit well with me. Do not contact me, do not message me, do not email me - I am done. I wish you the best but leave me alone - I mean it.
You have plenty of other friends - go lie to them. Even better, tell them that it hurts you if they stay my friend - they can have you.
To everyone else: I do not know the future of this blog and it makes me sad. If you are one of my blog friends and still want to keep up with me, please comment or email me and I'll send you an update. Thank you for reading.
That I couldn't share things on MY blog, just because someone I know is reading.
You see, this was Bullying Week - and I felt like a adult woman, a former friend was bullying me via Facebook messages.
That's a story (one I'm not sure I'll write about here) for another time though.
I don't have a ton a friends. I've never been the life of the party - but, when I DO make a friend, a GOOD friend, we are usually friends for quite a while. There are only 2 friends in my past that are no longer.
I don't lie to my friends.
I don't make up stories so they will feel sorry for me.
I don't put them down - or their spouse (even when I think their choice of husband is an complete asshole)
I would do anything I could to help them within my power if they need help.
I will always listen.
I will always tell the truth.
However - I don't always THINK before the truth - what I'm feeling - comes out of my mouth.
I had a friend, that I knew since Early elementary school. We were friends even when we lived in different states - letters, phone calls, and online chats. We drove and flew to be with each other. And while we both did things that drove the other absolutely crazy - we could laugh about it.
Once this friend - I'll call her Olive - started having kids (when we were 25) - our relationship changed. She became very "crunchy" (and not a bad thing at all, but she was). She became a very fierce MamaBear.
I loved her kids - they were awesome, and even had a special name they made up just for me (that I loved - I felt like a special Auntie)
Four years ago - Olive asked me to come visit her and teach her about photography. I had started my business a few years before. I didn't have the money to come - so her husband bought me a ticket, and I flew to their state for a 10 day trip to teach her and hang out.
The first 2 days were fun - we ran around and saw things. I played with the kids.
On the 3 rd day - it turned into - oh, watch the baby while I take Kid #1 to school. then I have all of these errands to run. Lather, rinse, repeat. For 5 days. I played with her kids constantly, watched them, fed them snacks and basically acted like a Nanny. We did no photography nor went anywhere. To me, she never played with her kids - just on the computer.
At this time, I was getting mad. I wanted to say to her - what the hell is this? but I couldn't get the words out. I was so frustrated, that I went to the room I was staying in to cry. She came to ask what was wrong/going on - and I said it. Exactly what was on my mind - that she ignores her kids etc etc and I wasn't there to be a babysitter! We had words. It wasn't pretty.
She then tells me I'm kicked out and I have to leave. I have basically 10 min to pack, and get my butt out of there - I have no car, and no where to stay in a city I know nothing about.
(It was a nightmare getting home but not going to write that part out)
When I got home I emailed her and asked if we could work this out - she said no - and her husband wrote to me and said the same thing. I have not tried to contact her or anything since, although I would like to talk to her about it.
Sigh.
So, person who is reading this that I would rather stay out of my business:
I feel harassed. I feel bothered. I feel like I shouldn't have to say to someone - OVER AND OVER again that I do not want to be friends. I do not have to list reasons why - even though I COULD.
I have no desire to be your friend. I feel lied to and that doesn't sit well with me. Do not contact me, do not message me, do not email me - I am done. I wish you the best but leave me alone - I mean it.
You have plenty of other friends - go lie to them. Even better, tell them that it hurts you if they stay my friend - they can have you.
To everyone else: I do not know the future of this blog and it makes me sad. If you are one of my blog friends and still want to keep up with me, please comment or email me and I'll send you an update. Thank you for reading.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Anonymous
I didn't try to make this blog anonymous. I should have.
Now, I know someone who I would PREFER NOT READ THIS BLOG - is reading it and has probably read it all. I didn't take pains to hide it but I didn't cover my tracks as I should have. I was careless.
So, that's the reason why I haven't been blogging.
I haven't lost any weight anyway.
I'm in a bad mood because 500 bazillion of my facebo.ok "friends" are posting little blurbs like this on their walls
"The next time someone says
"Oh, you're JUST a stay at home mom" I may punch you in the face. Being a mom, is far more difficult and challenging than any job you could ever have. We don't get breaks or weekends or holidays off. We don't get the luxury of sleeping all through the night or sleeping in. Instead, we get late nights and early mornings. We now have family nights instead of date night. We wipe noses, get puked on, change diapers, try the potty training, do play time, deal with temper tantrums, and as soon as nap time hits ... we turn around scrub the bathrooms, pick up the floor , do the dishes, and work on that never ending pile of laundry. So the next time someone wants to say "you're just a stay at home mom" you are more than welcome to fill my position for a day!!"
Just a Stay at home Mom? Right. My Mom was a single Mom who worked 60 hours a week to support us(If I was not at school, I was with my Grandma) then came home and DID EVERY FREAKING THING THAT "STAY AT HOME" Mom's do when she got home. She also ran a business (a craft store) with my Aunts and Grandma on the weekends. She did not get the luxury EVER of sleeping in - not because I would get up early (I loved sleep too much as a kid!) because she had to support her family.
And you know what? I'm just an infertile who would give anything to be a "Stay at home Mom". Difficult and challenging? BRING. IT. ON. I don't currently get weekends off anyway, because I have to WORK. On Holidays I'm still working on the computer, trying to bring in Money to pay our bills. and on Holidays I'm crying inside because I DON'T GET TO BE A STAY AT HOME MOM. Dude. Squeeze those babies, love them, and shut the fuck up that oh wah, you have to change some diapers and wipe some noses and do the THINGS EVERYONE ELSE HAS TO DO ANYWAY WHETHER THEY HAVE KIDS OR NOT. Family night means YOU HAVE A FAMILY. You procreated! YAY!
"Oh, you're JUST a stay at home mom" I may punch you in the face. Being a mom, is far more difficult and challenging than any job you could ever have. We don't get breaks or weekends or holidays off. We don't get the luxury of sleeping all through the night or sleeping in. Instead, we get late nights and early mornings. We now have family nights instead of date night. We wipe noses, get puked on, change diapers, try the potty training, do play time, deal with temper tantrums, and as soon as nap time hits ... we turn around scrub the bathrooms, pick up the floor , do the dishes, and work on that never ending pile of laundry. So the next time someone wants to say "you're just a stay at home mom" you are more than welcome to fill my position for a day!!"
Just a Stay at home Mom? Right. My Mom was a single Mom who worked 60 hours a week to support us(If I was not at school, I was with my Grandma) then came home and DID EVERY FREAKING THING THAT "STAY AT HOME" Mom's do when she got home. She also ran a business (a craft store) with my Aunts and Grandma on the weekends. She did not get the luxury EVER of sleeping in - not because I would get up early (I loved sleep too much as a kid!) because she had to support her family.
And you know what? I'm just an infertile who would give anything to be a "Stay at home Mom". Difficult and challenging? BRING. IT. ON. I don't currently get weekends off anyway, because I have to WORK. On Holidays I'm still working on the computer, trying to bring in Money to pay our bills. and on Holidays I'm crying inside because I DON'T GET TO BE A STAY AT HOME MOM. Dude. Squeeze those babies, love them, and shut the fuck up that oh wah, you have to change some diapers and wipe some noses and do the THINGS EVERYONE ELSE HAS TO DO ANYWAY WHETHER THEY HAVE KIDS OR NOT. Family night means YOU HAVE A FAMILY. You procreated! YAY!
Monday, September 24, 2012
Tattoo, Cat and Birthday
Well, My Birthday wasn't THAT bad - We had lots of time with my Sister in Law (who was visiting from out of state) - We ate out WAY too much (yum! but of course, I can't eat much). I got a new sewing machine from my parents, DVD's and Gift cards from my hubby, and money from my Father in law. Which I used to buy..this...
Ha! I wasn't expecting to get a tattoo - I've wanted one for years and years but could not decide on anything. My Sis made the appointment, and last Friday she got SIX (yes, SIX!!!) tattoos, and I got this little dude on my ankle. and of course, it had to mean something to me, and everyone is asking WHAT a pumpkin means to me - so, the list. because I'm weird.
1. I love Halloween (duh)
2. I got married on Halloween (double duh)
3. It's a Jack Skellington face from Nightmare before Christmas - which I love! 4. It's a happy face to remind me to be happy
5. The two leaves are for my two babies
6. It's on my right side which is my "pain" side - all of my ovarian cysts are hurty on that side. When I'm in pain, I can look at it and think of something else It really didn't hurt as bad as I thought it would. It felt like a bee sting. I'm no stranger to pain, anyway.
We also went to a wedding for my husband's cousin - I'm hoping some photos surface of me because I looked cute in my dress!
and I finally got time to photograph my new kitty - Binx! (although, I call her Binky - poor cat)
Ha! I wasn't expecting to get a tattoo - I've wanted one for years and years but could not decide on anything. My Sis made the appointment, and last Friday she got SIX (yes, SIX!!!) tattoos, and I got this little dude on my ankle. and of course, it had to mean something to me, and everyone is asking WHAT a pumpkin means to me - so, the list. because I'm weird.
1. I love Halloween (duh)
2. I got married on Halloween (double duh)
3. It's a Jack Skellington face from Nightmare before Christmas - which I love! 4. It's a happy face to remind me to be happy
5. The two leaves are for my two babies
6. It's on my right side which is my "pain" side - all of my ovarian cysts are hurty on that side. When I'm in pain, I can look at it and think of something else It really didn't hurt as bad as I thought it would. It felt like a bee sting. I'm no stranger to pain, anyway.
We also went to a wedding for my husband's cousin - I'm hoping some photos surface of me because I looked cute in my dress!
and I finally got time to photograph my new kitty - Binx! (although, I call her Binky - poor cat)
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Grr
My Fill started working - hurray!
Rest of my life? not hurray.
I'm always in a pissy mood.
I feel like going to some peoples jobs and asking them to do it for free, or give me free product, just because. It sounds FUN!!
(Can you tell that I've had some problems with this recently??)
Tomorrow is my Birthday. A few weeks ago, I had received some money from my parents (which was actually from Christmas, long story) that I was going to use to buy a new lens for my camera (which I need, badly). Bills came up and surprise, surprise, I had to use that money to pay...Child Support.
For the kid that's not mine and that we don't get to see. Right.
I knew what my husband had been planning on getting me for my birthday and was excited for it. We were at the store anyway and he asked if we could just get it then - fine. Then he says he needs more phone minutes (pay as you go phone) because he has to use his cell at work sometimes. Well, wouldn't you know that the phone min were the same price as my gift and I had to tell the cashier to take it off (because I wasn't expecting the expense of the phone card, we didn't have enough money to buy the gift)
sigh.
I hate my birthday.
Rest of my life? not hurray.
I'm always in a pissy mood.
I feel like going to some peoples jobs and asking them to do it for free, or give me free product, just because. It sounds FUN!!
(Can you tell that I've had some problems with this recently??)
Tomorrow is my Birthday. A few weeks ago, I had received some money from my parents (which was actually from Christmas, long story) that I was going to use to buy a new lens for my camera (which I need, badly). Bills came up and surprise, surprise, I had to use that money to pay...Child Support.
For the kid that's not mine and that we don't get to see. Right.
I knew what my husband had been planning on getting me for my birthday and was excited for it. We were at the store anyway and he asked if we could just get it then - fine. Then he says he needs more phone minutes (pay as you go phone) because he has to use his cell at work sometimes. Well, wouldn't you know that the phone min were the same price as my gift and I had to tell the cashier to take it off (because I wasn't expecting the expense of the phone card, we didn't have enough money to buy the gift)
sigh.
I hate my birthday.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Ten Things Thursday
1. Dude. I had a fill on Monday, after starving for a month (because I didn't get a fill in August and I didn't lose ANYTHING last month). The nurse would only give me 1/2 a CC. Why? because someone else got a full CC and they had problems with reflux. um. that person is not ME.
2. So guess what? still starvin' marvin. I don't even think they gave me a fill. I think my band is leaky or something.
3. I also have a visitor aka Aunt Flo and TOM or whatever you want to call this evil bitch. I spend the month with ovarian cyst pain, then for 5-6 days I get cramps that make me want to kill someone. Fun times.
4. HANGRY - is my favorite word. It's a combo of Hungry and Angry. Which is how I feel right now.
5. I love love love loooove my job. but people should not book photo sessions or make orders of photographs without paying their INVOICES!!! I call this "Invoice Hell". I get it, it's not payday. But when you are on a payment schedule (I have lay-a-way) and your payment is due on the 5th, you need to pay it on the 5th. because that's MY payday. If everyone who owes me money would pay me, I could pay off every bill I have, right now.
6. Back to food - oh man...I love food. but now I'm hungry (HANGRY!!) but things get stuck. Like...yogurt. strangeness.
7. I have discovered that I CAN eat french fries if I use huge amounts of ketchup. This is not a good thing. It IS a good thing that I prefer french fries dry/plain though, because then I don't each them.
8. My Sister in law is coming to visit! I am excited to see her. She's awesome. I am not excited that I have to clean my house. She might stay here for a day or two. which means I need to come up with a guest room. haha.
9. I am addicted to Peach Green tea from the Gas Station. 80oz of sugar free peachy goodness? YES PLEASE!!
10. The biggest news of this week is...we found a kitten under our car on Monday morning and I guess we're keeping her. We have put up posters and looked for her owner, but no luck. I will post some photos of her later! Her name is Binx!
2. So guess what? still starvin' marvin. I don't even think they gave me a fill. I think my band is leaky or something.
3. I also have a visitor aka Aunt Flo and TOM or whatever you want to call this evil bitch. I spend the month with ovarian cyst pain, then for 5-6 days I get cramps that make me want to kill someone. Fun times.
4. HANGRY - is my favorite word. It's a combo of Hungry and Angry. Which is how I feel right now.
5. I love love love loooove my job. but people should not book photo sessions or make orders of photographs without paying their INVOICES!!! I call this "Invoice Hell". I get it, it's not payday. But when you are on a payment schedule (I have lay-a-way) and your payment is due on the 5th, you need to pay it on the 5th. because that's MY payday. If everyone who owes me money would pay me, I could pay off every bill I have, right now.
6. Back to food - oh man...I love food. but now I'm hungry (HANGRY!!) but things get stuck. Like...yogurt. strangeness.
7. I have discovered that I CAN eat french fries if I use huge amounts of ketchup. This is not a good thing. It IS a good thing that I prefer french fries dry/plain though, because then I don't each them.
8. My Sister in law is coming to visit! I am excited to see her. She's awesome. I am not excited that I have to clean my house. She might stay here for a day or two. which means I need to come up with a guest room. haha.
9. I am addicted to Peach Green tea from the Gas Station. 80oz of sugar free peachy goodness? YES PLEASE!!
10. The biggest news of this week is...we found a kitten under our car on Monday morning and I guess we're keeping her. We have put up posters and looked for her owner, but no luck. I will post some photos of her later! Her name is Binx!
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Pain and Panic
(Does anyone remember these little guys? I have little figures of them somewhere in my piles of hoarded crap)
So. Hi.
Lala is not doing well. Other than I've spent this month STARVING TO DEATH (because I didn't get the stupid fill) - I've just been depressed.
I've received many blessings, but selfish old me can't help thinking - I don't want THIS! I want THAT!!! DUDE!
(Infertility rant beginning)
All of the lovely people are know are BIRTHING! They are AMAZING strong women! YAY for them!!
You see, I cannot count how many people I've heard whine (like myself, that they weren't pregnant yet) who were like...20 years old. Oh please. Give me a freaking break.
I once worked with a girl who got married at 18, and at almost 21 she hadn't gotten pregnant yet, and would sit in the back room at work, SOBBING about it. I tried to be sympathetic, I mean, I wanted children badly myself (at the time, I was 29, and unmarried, no boyfriend) so I would try to console her and be her friend.
After about, oh a year of this, I was done. I said to her - look - you're married to a great guy with a job, and medical insurance, you have a good job and insurance - you're only 21. Go to the Dr and see what's wrong and QUIT YER BITCHIN'!!!!!
(The insurance thing gets me every time, I just can't afford it)
Oh, within..3 months she was pregnant..and she has 3 kids now. The oldest just started first grade.
and I'm here, almost 36. No babies.
Again I feel like I know nothing because I've never given birth or had someone call me "Mom". Friends with kids are hard to hang out with, because it seems no one can hire a babysitter anymore. Friends with kids don't always invite ME places because I have...no kids. I can't do to "Mom's Night Out".
People with no kids? Well, (except for US) have TOO MANY friends already and are too busy to hang out.
I COULD NOT POSSIBLY know anything about newborn babies or kids! I mean - dude, don't you know that if you aren't a Mom yourself, you are SO DUMB!
I'm having panic attacks about everything.
I'm having constant pain from my ovarian cysts and I can't do anything about it. (Dr says, either have a hysterectomy or deal with it. I can't go to the Dr. for pain medication because then they treat you like a druggie.)
(Also mad because someone else I know gave birth this week, and used THE NAME that I've loved since I was 10 years old. I was holding on to it, but whatever. It's like that name is dead to me now and I'm sad. Which is soooo stupid!!! oh well)
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